why do i do this to myself?

fatigue bites..

rosie says..'im too tired to write about fatigue.. hee hee'  ....damn straight ;)

Fatigue Definition. Fatigue is physical and/or mental exhaustion that can be triggered by stress, medication, overwork, or mental and physical illness or disease.


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i have two students who are back to back on tuesdays.  they are neighbors.  same age.. 8.  girls.  both started taking piano lessons just before christmas.  i stopped accepting piano students a couple years ago.. its not my forte..  but they were referrals from another student and i never turn away a referral if i have a time slot open.

sighs.

so, just last month, both students' mothers decide they would like each of their daughters to also take voice lessons.  each student taking a 30 minute piano lesson followed by 30 minutes of voice.  against my better judgement, i agree.. but the stipulation is that they be able to stay focused. they get 3 months to settle into the routine.. if things dont run smoothly, i reserve the right to stop lessons.

ugh.

i want to stop lessons now.

today was an exercise in patience.  i can handle kids that bounce.  i can handle high energy, talkativeness, giggles, lack of focus.. basically all the stuff that comes with working with young kids.  but these two.. have given me pause.  i think i could handle one at a time.  but back to back..  week after week.. has tested my endurance, my patience, and haha.. my tolerance.  i  am dog tired.  worn thin.  drained.  raw.  beyond fatigued. 

i am too tired to even describe in detail the ordeal.  
the thought of reliving it.. nearly sends me screaming from the room..

{[ Fooie on Fatigue ]}

Well as of about 11 am today I have been feeling tons of fatigue.
I've been staying away from the garage for two years straight.
Some contents stashed away that I get sick whenever I look at it.
Brown cardboard boxes stacked up way high, wrapped tightly in shinning silver duct tape.

I was made to do this task of opening each one of them alone today
to make room for new things..such as my dads '67 Chevelle Super Sport. That he has had my whole life. I had rather sit in that car and stare at the stearing wheel contimplating on driving it then opening up boxes.

So..I got off of the computer knowing what I was sure about to do.
Thought of someone dear to me the whole while as I slowly made my way out the door and to the garage. Breathing..the whole while. Stomache turning carwheels while I slipped past the car and the blazer in the driveway..

Tried to even hum a special little song that I'm working on for someone as I put the key in the door knob of the fairly newly built building. Dads new hood sitting on sawhorses in my way, had to move that. Dads sheets of plywood leaned against my..now two year old dusty boxes..had to move those.

I felt like busting into a river of tears when I grabbed for the first box. I knew right away what that box had in it. All of the paper work and important papers..even the lease to our very first home. I just want to keep it all forever..and now as I sit here and write Im fking fatigued...so screw this ..fatigue.

Fatigue that coffee doesn't fix.

Fibromyalgia is not just muscles, joints and tendon pains.  In many peeps, like myself,  it is also extreme fatigue.  Extreme pain and extreme fatigue in an endless cycle.

When I am in pain, my rest is disturbed.  When my rest is disturbed, I feel more pain.   Long naps are followed by mind numbing pain.   The fatigue makes the pain unbearable.

The daily activities of life take on new meaning when you have something like a permanent flu in your body.  Get dressed? Maybe... do I really need shoes too?   sigh.

I cry easily when I am in a pain fatigue cycle.   Tears flow.  Memory disappears.  I exist in a fog of fuzzy activities.  I retreat from friends, before they discover I am in pain.  I keep it to myself, if I can.

Once I remember being so miserable,  I crawled into a Fibro support forum and made a one word post.


OW.

That's all I had in me.  I was a stranger.  They didn't need to know anymore,  They'd been there.
I got air hugs.  Real hugs hurt too much.  They understood.   They didn't say I'm sorry.  They said.  I know. I understand. I've been there.

   I am spiraling down into another pain cycle today. I won't go down without a fight.  :)

And then there were none.

Rosie waved to Fly and Gwennie as their seaplane roared awake and got enough revs to glide forward and take off.  It had been a grand few days after the others had left.   Fly and Rosie had hiked and hiked and harvested bulging buckets of Mushrooms and herbs from the untouched forests around the lake.  Rosie had been able to  replenish nearly all of her herb supplies and they were drying on every available flat surface 

Reese and BJ had left after the unfortunate incident with the moose.  The moose had calmed down and no longer bellowed and called out for BJ to come ride him.   Amy and JC had taken off three days earlier, in response to a call from Amy's son's camp counselor.  There had been a incident of hazing at camp and someone had painted the new boys purple with indelible dyes while they slept .  Cameron had denied knowing anything about the incident and asserted his hands were stained from berry picking. 

The poison Ivy that Jc and Amy had just about run its course.  JC had been especially unlucky and had not realized that they had tumbled into poison ivy till after he'd used the bushes for relief. 

All in all it had been an excellent writers workshop.   No one had written a single word.


:)