Friendship

I have just one friend. So this should be pretty easy.

I haven’t spoken to her for one month now. Not one word. No texts, no Facebook pokes, nothing.

We go to Uni together. She is what makes my college bearable for me. Before that, she made school bearable. Hopefully, she’ll make some shitty work place bearable some day.

I am not a very social person. It’s not that I don’t have people being friendly to me. It’s not that I find it difficult to open up to people. I just find it difficult to socialize. Always have. I can’t follow social norms. Or rather, I can, but refuse to. I don’t like gossiping. I don’t like bitching. I don’t like meeting up in cafes, all dressed up, and making eyes at cute guys. I don’t like the endless stream of posing and Facebook-profile-mobile-photo sessions. I absolutely detest being fake. I don’t like nailpolish and fairness creams and hair irons and….you get the drift.

However, we don’t always get what we like. So since I was 3, I was best friends with this girl who was the complete embodiment of all of the above. We were in the same class and our parents were friends. So lots of exposure to each other. I grew up with the knowledge that girls HAVE to gossip, manipulate, and back-stab.

When I was in the tenth grade, Nim joined my school. She was the daughter of my father’s college best friend. She was kinda weird. Different from all the other girls my age. And proud of it. Her dad traveled a lot. She only stayed in my school for 6 months before being shipped off to Delhi. Those six months, however, changed my life.

I learnt from her that it was ok to be myself around others. That it was ok to maybe read a book in the corner during lunch break, rather than participate in the gossip sessions. That I could, perhaps, direct my camera towards other things, rather than those which so obviously made me hate it. That I should stand up for myself and my beliefs rather than partake in such ridiculous hypocrisy. And hypocrisy, I definitely don’t like. In my little hometown, whose rules I knew to be law, she showed me change.

And I did.

This is not the reason I continued to be friends with her after she left for Delhi though. Nor the reason we somehow both needed up in the same crappy college in Kolkata. This is just what I am most grateful to her for. That and the anime.

Eleventh and twelfth grade was a revelation to both of us. I flexed my new wings amidst old territory. She gingerly stepped on the rocky precipe of having an unrequitable crush. We talked 5 to 6 hours a day. We laughed and we cried and we choked while trying to do both. We missed each other terribly. We met once both those years, and we went nuts. We had fun. That was our mission throughout, and I’m proud to say we are still sticking by it.

So, is friendship really about opening your heart and soul? Is it about support through thick and thin? Is it about constantly keeping in touch? To some people, maybe. Perhaps because of the family I was brought up in, I never looked for those things in all the people I looked at as friends. Which is good, because I never found them either. To me, friendship is having someone I can laugh at and laugh with. Someone I can be so complete comfortable with that I can go a month without talking to her and know that when I come back, we’ll go back to whining about exams. And sneaking off for film festivals and plays. And tramping about the city we love. And having an obscene amount of fun. And being happy.

On second thoughts, this wasn’t as easy as I expected it to be. Huh.

Friendship

So.  I am a quiet person.  Quit laughing, I am!   A silent person, introspective and not shy, just reserved and stand-offish.   I'll never get this done, if you don't stop laughing.   :)

So being introverted and going my own way most of the time, I prefer to make a few good friends, rather than know a lot of people superficially.   If I don't trust you, and I trust almost no one, then I can't relax around you and I come home more exhausted from the effort than if I had stayed home alone.

So most of my life, I've had a series of one really good friend or two at the most.   When I was very young, I didn't have any, but that would change.

In elementary school, I was an odd duck on so many levels.   Our school was tiny.  One small class per grade.  When it first got started, there was even a grade with no kids in it.  Because we didn't go to church, and because I didn't say Grace before lunch like the little pious girls did, and because I wore pinafores with a sash in the back for quite a few years, and no one else did,  and for a few dozen other reasons, like living in the country and not playing in town after school and some other stuff I ain't gonna talk about,  I didn't have a naturally occurring  like minded friend in the early grades.  My mom didn't mix with the other moms.  We kept to ourselves. 

Oh and I was pulled out of class on occasions and tested special, because of some screening that had been done in First Grade and again in Third.   They made special accommodations to give me books to read from the upper grades collections and when I had read all the books in the school, they brought me in special ones from the library in town. So there was lots of whispers when I got extra attention from the staff and strangers coming in.

Our gradeschool was taking part in special ongoing psychological projects as part of  a government program based at the Air Force base near our village.   One of the things they did was a social web.

You had to answer some questions about who you would tell your troubles to,  who do you play with at recess, who do you dislike in your class.   I was a smart cookie and did some quick checking around and realized that no one had written my name down on any of the positive friendship questions.

The researcher drew a quick diagram of what  a social web looked like.  It had lines going from person to person with arrows.  Some were only one way arrows and some were two way arrows.  And then there was the cheese that stood alone, as Reese likes to call it.    I had failed the test!

So they were coming back in a bit to see if relationships had changed over time.  I got to work and went through my class to see if I could find a girl who I could connect to.  I thought about the social ties, and tried to imagine how people become friends by shared experiences, and proximity to each other.  I took each girl into consideration and mapped out the social web for myself on a piece of paper.  I was looking for a loose girl I could tap into.

Etta May!  She lived on a farm.   She was nice.   She was best friends with Pamela who wasn't very nice to her some of the time.   She played jacks with me.   I started to court her.  I asked her questions.  I listened to her to complain about her brothers being mean to her.  I gave her my chocolate milk at milk time.  I lent her my best eraser.   Pretty soon, some of the time she would seek me out.   Pamela wasn't happy, but it was mostly when Pam was sick or busy with something else.  She was careful and I was not demanding.

Three months went by.  The same guy shows up.  I fill out my questionaire and then afterwards I ask Etta who she had put.  She whispers that she had put ME down as the one classmate who she could talk to the best. 

YES!    Success! 

friendship

i have a lot of friends.  and as i sit here contemplating what i want to write about, i realize how many i have left behind.  i realize how many different layers there are to friendships.  i realize how many different kinds of friendships there are and the many different purposes they serve.  or maybe i dont. maybe i dont have any of this figured out.  just like to think i do ;)

i like to think i am a good friend.  a great friend.  someone people want to be around. 
i have left so many people behind.  not forgotten..  well some.. wow

i had this conversation with my neighbor a few years back.  i shared that there were a lot of people in my life i had just walked away from and never made an effort to reconnect.  he implied i was the type of person who thought he was better than others.  i forget his exact words.  but they stung..  hmm he may have been right.

i think about those friends.  they served a purpose in my life at that moment in time.. and when i didnt need them anymore i walked away.  my word was i outgrew them..  he assumes i am a snob.

not that i care.  i have compartmentalized him as one of the bros.. a specific kind of friend that one does things with.. but doesnt connect with on a deeper level.  i have a lot of bros.

i have learned from every person i have come in contact with.. something important.  often the lesson doesnt come clear until i have walked away.

in order to have true friends.  you have to be one.  some friendships come easy.  some take work.  those are the ones i walk away from.  it isnt work if you are having fun and enjoying each other.  give and take freely.  when it becomes a chore.. well, that isnt friendship.

used to think that not making an effort made me a bad person.  a bad friend.  as a matter of fact.. at the beginning of writing this, i thought that.  you probably can tell.  but i dont think i am a bad person for walking away from people who have drained me and dont have anything to offer.  recognizing this.. well.. i should pat myself on the back for some self-preservation!  i deserve to be happy.  i deserve to be surrounded by people i want to be around.  i am worthy.  the people who are my friends, i give freely to and receive so much more.  they are a reflection of who i am.  and i can be proud of who i am.. because my friends are awesome. 

and you know who you are.