Bored?

Bored! and in an interesting way....a little oxymoronic, hm?

I love teaching, any place, any time...I'm up for it.  Especially, at the beginning of the school year! The kids are fresh, rested, and happy to see their friends.  It's a great time because they're ready to be engaged!

Teachers, too, feel the excitement.  New students, new classrooms, new lessons. We're ready to decorate, plan, and greet the kids!

So, what do all districts do with the three days before school opens, which are usually called Teacher Preparation Days? They sit us in meetings. Sit!  Us! In meetings! You can't get further from my classroom than the High School gymnasium where we all gather. A flag salute, an invocation, a Welcome Back from the High School Senior Class President and a song by the choir all in the first 20 minutes. The High School Principal seconds the welcome and reviews the 60 year history of the school we are in. He mentions famous graduates, Olympians, Senators, and the local Mayor. All I want to do is teach!

The keynote speaker is next.  A local graduate who founded a silicon valley multi-billion dollar company, he greets us and explains it was here where he was first introduced to the field in which he would excel. Forty minutes later he has finished the power point presentation which he read from the huge computer screen. Because I am energized I can't quite focus on what he's talking about.  Instead, I'm running scenarios in my mind, assigning seating charts, creating bulletin boards , seeing my aides again.

Around me the clapping signifies the big wig is done. We are dismissed to have a ten minute break for coffee, pastries (I do neither...get some orange juice because I feel a slight dip in my energy level). After break, we have the Superintendent deliver a half hour State of the District speech which is a reprise of the material he presented at an end of the year faculty meeting at each school in the district three months before. He introduces the head of instruction who tells us some insignificant changes to State mandated programs (none of them mine). Next, the District Financial Officer is given fifteen minutes to discuss why there will be severe cuts to the budget.  He goes over time by an additional fifteen minutes. The Union President makes some remarks and then we are shown the schedule for the afternoon and the next two days.

It's 11:30 and we are asked to return at one o' clock to individual classrooms where we will be meeting in departments and have discussions about how we perceive this year within the constraints of the new requirements and budgetary constrictions. Just as I am planning my exit to my car, and perhaps an unfortunate (but opportune) date with ptomaine food poisoning,  the speaker wishes us bon appetit! The luncheon has been specially prepared by food service and we should applaud them in advance.  We do, and he intones...please sign in at the door to the cafeteria so you can receive your packet for this afternoon's activities! So, no escape possible.  And, I drag down to the cafeteria the energy fading fast.

Because I taught for 40 years I grew accustomed and prepared for this ritual of start-up.  But, I always wondered why any new, ambitious, young teacher remained in the classroom after a start like this.  I guess that's how they know you love to teach!

what? no dryer?

so it's spring
and the forsythia has burst
and the cherry is in full blossom
and the daffodils are dancing

and the smell of downy is in the air..

everyone in my neighborhood hangs their clothes out to dry
it's green
and it saves money
the dryer doesnt heat up the house unnecessarily..
and well.. it just smells so good.

so a few summers ago i had a student who lived a couple houses away and she wanted to come to my house for her lesson.  i agreed. 

first lesson at the house, she walks up the back walkway and i greet her at the deck.  my clothes and sheets are on the line and so are my neighbor's.

she says.. 'are the people in this part of the neighborhood poor?'

i look at her.. puzzled.  no, why?

'well your clothes are all out on the line.. don't you own a dryer?'

shame on me for forgetting we live in an age of technology.. where we are so used to everything being quick and easy.. and at our fingertips.  this is a kid who has never known a life with no internet or cable or cell phones and has never had to hang a load of laundry out to dry.. ever.

i smile wryly.. and usher her in for her lesson. 

the golden pass

"Where did you feel the most bored?  Write about it in an interesting way."

hahahaha

junior year high school
study hall

hollie and i were so bored we devise an infallible plan to skip out.  i had procured a golden pass from the french teacher.  the pass excused us from study hall.. but was totally open ended.. no date on it. 

so every day, for three awesome weeks, hollie and i signed ourselves out of study hall and headed down to the cafeteria or my house or wherever..  anywhere other than those four white walls lined with desks manned with bored sleepy silent students.  this was before the advent of.. texting.. cell phones.. 4G.. angry birds..  words with friends.. blahhhhh!!

we had some fun.. escaping boredom.  LOTS of fun. 

so one day, we are sitting in a corner of the empty cafeteria, messing around.. and in walks pam.   pam, the office helper.

'hey guys.. mr. hoover is looking for you both.  something came to the office for you, hollie.. and when they went looking for you in study hall and saw you were both signed out, and you werent in french class...  well, i figured i better give you the heads up.'

shit.

hollie bursts into tears.  'i knew this was a bad idea!  why did i ever let you talk me into this?'

relax.

'relax??  what are we gonna do?   i cant get any demerits!  i have never had any demerits!!'

i tried not to roll my eyes.  i will take care of it.  come with me.

i take her by the hand and walk her straight into mr. hoover's office.  i sit directly in front of him.. hollie behind me.. crumpled into a messy ball of tears.

mr. hoover.  we decided to come forward and admit we skipped out of study hall today.  we are really sorry, and we will never do it again.

he just gives me a blank stare.  squints at me.  'is this the first time?'

yes sir.  and it won't happen again.

'ok.. well.  here's what we are going to do.  i am going to make a note in each of your records that you skipped class, and that i withheld 5 demerits.  but..  if i catch either of you skipping class again, you will get detention.  understood?'

yes sir.

mini crisis averted.  hollie never skipped class again.  ever. 
i am fairly sure mr. hoover didnt believe me, but never had anyone actually fess up like that.

good times.

The Most Bored

"Where did you feel the most bored?  Write about it in an interesting way."

Oh gosh,  At college,  I guess the day in Advanced Accounting class, where it became so painful, I had to pack up my suitcase of textbooks and attempt to sneak out of the class unnoticed.  But the door was in the front, so the teacher looked over at me and said to the class,  "I knew that this lesson was bad, but I didn't know it was that bad."    And they laughed.   I was so relieved when I got out of the class.   I hadn't realized that it was mind numbing boredom that I was experiencing.  It just seemed like if I didn't get out of that class,  I would just crumple up and stop breathing. 

That sounds like a panic attack, doesn't it?  The last thing I would ever want to do was call attention to myself, by leaving a class early.  I would never, ever walk out on a teacher like that.  I loved learning.  I respected teachers.   It would be so insulting.  I remember discussing it with myself, and just being beyond caring.  I had to put distance between me, my ears and that droning voice, or I would change forever inside.  Or I would stand up and scream in class,  "Who in their right minds, care about foreign exchange rates and generally accepted accounting procedures.  WHO!?!." 

I had the wrong major.  I knew it the longer I stayed in it.  By the time I got to auditing, I was dead inside.  I was defeated.  My grades had started to slip.  Three years of college, I had a 4.0.  Racked up A after A after A after perfect scores on finals, another A. Then the upper level accounting classes hit me.  OMG. 

If I had only had the courage to quit and switch.   But I didn't.  I accepted my losses, got my degree, with honors, and never worked in the field. 

a cognitive dissonance

of late.. my mind has been wrapped around winning and losing..

i used to play games.. and get so angry if i lost.  even the simplest least competitive games.  i had to be the best.  very few people know this about me, partly because.. i won a lot.. mostly because i usually never let on.  i let them see my competitive nature.. but rarely the flash of anger.
well.. unless it was monopoly or.. checkers. 
i experienced the same feelings in playing omgpop games.  i had to be the best at whatever i played. 

it wasnt about winning.  it was about being the best. 
i wasnt happy.  and i didnt like this ugly side of myself.
but i think i have won this battle.

now.. i settle for just being good at stuff.
i am happy just playing and having a good conversation with a friend.
i am happy just horsing around and having fun.
im happy just walking into a game.. with friends shouting my name.
they seem happy to see me.  as happy as i am to see them.
that's so.. nice. 

************
life just seems like a series of victories and defeats
and there is yet another battle i would win.

no matter how large or small the victory in my life..
it's hollow

in this moment.. i feel sapped, drained, and raw again

i opened myself up today
i did things i find particularly difficult and distasteful
things i usually avoid

decisions
judgements
opinions
and a little deceit

i stepped so far out of my comfortable place i could barely stand it
and i felt physical pain

the pressure was.. intense, but i survived
and i did the job well.  this is a victory.. right?

then.. why do i feel empty and unhappy.. defeated
..like i am running in circles again
im running myself ragged.. knowing there is no winning this race.

i was asked to do this job today.. because someone believed in me.  and instead of feeling pride and confidence.. i just felt more pressure to perform.. to produce.  i realize this is partly why i never went any further in my career.  i buckled under the slightest hint of pressure.  i need to think about this more.  im not seeing the entire picture.  i just know i have impeded many of my own potential successes. 

is it ok to say that i know i am great?  that the talent i possess.. and have worked so hard all my adult life to hone and perfect and craft.. that i know it's special?  that i could be.. the best!  if i were a great pianist.. it would not be so hard to say it.  but because my instrument.. my art.. my talent is a physical part of me.. saying that is like saying i .. I am great.

as a singer, i have always found it amusing that we hear ourselves so differently than others hear us.  we perceive our voices..  in abstract.  it took me a long time to find my voice.. to love and appreciate it.. to even recognize it.

i am finding my voice all over again.  here.   a new voice.  this voice says im gonna be ok. heh.. will i ever believe that?  this voice says to let go of victory.. let go of defeat.. and just be.  heh.. will i ever listen?

will i ever trust my own voice?
could it be.. i have to 'win'  because those lesser victories somehow superficially make up for.. the victories i could have had in my life..
lydia.. i miss you