My son lives with urges to end his life. We work against him getting too focused or down about it, but when there is stress in his life, he falls apart and has short bursts of wanting to die.
During previous periods, he has tried to take his life. Currently, he states the only deterrent that he has in place is that it would hurt us too much.
Last night he said he had a dream that he put a sniper rifle to his head and pulled the trigger. He said it felt so good to do that.
So I ask him questions from the safety checklist. Are you safe? Have you made a plan?
No one should have to ask such questions of their children.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Springtime
Spring is muddy. It is erratic. The weather blows cold and wet. Green pops out from the slush and greys of winter. Flowers bud and bloom. Bees start cleaning out their hives and cart all the winter garbage to the front.
We do the same, we consider opening the windows up and switching storm windows for screens.
There is so much expectation in the air. Winter pastimes are dropped. Cards are put away, knitting is wrapped up. Sneakers are brought out and light sleeved shirts are pressed for outings.
I don't like transitions and change. I don't like moody weather. As pretty as it is. I don't like Spring.
We do the same, we consider opening the windows up and switching storm windows for screens.
There is so much expectation in the air. Winter pastimes are dropped. Cards are put away, knitting is wrapped up. Sneakers are brought out and light sleeved shirts are pressed for outings.
I don't like transitions and change. I don't like moody weather. As pretty as it is. I don't like Spring.
strength
there were tears that sunny day
outside the back entrance to Seabrook Hall
ma and i spent the morning setting up my side of the dorm.
dad and i had spent the latter part of the summer fashioning a loft bed out of metal. we had fun playing with the welder. that bed was heavy as hell and a puzzle to put together, but it was sturdy and it was perfect for the new digs.
with everything set.. the time had come.
and so, the three of us stood quietly outside. i gave my ma a tight hug. i took a step back and looked down at her. her eyes were bright and loving and yet hard to read. always so hard to read..
sniffles...
we both turned.
dad was in a puddle of tears. weeping and smiling. and, well.. then i fell apart. i think that was probably the longest hug we ever shared.
'will you two stop that?' ma gently reprimanded.
*****************************************************************************
years later i asked dad why she said that. (actually, she said it a lot to us when we would tear up over stuff..) he said.. 'i didnt know your mother nearly so well as she knew me. your ma was strong. but she cried like a baby the whole way home.'
outside the back entrance to Seabrook Hall
ma and i spent the morning setting up my side of the dorm.
dad and i had spent the latter part of the summer fashioning a loft bed out of metal. we had fun playing with the welder. that bed was heavy as hell and a puzzle to put together, but it was sturdy and it was perfect for the new digs.
with everything set.. the time had come.
and so, the three of us stood quietly outside. i gave my ma a tight hug. i took a step back and looked down at her. her eyes were bright and loving and yet hard to read. always so hard to read..
sniffles...
we both turned.
dad was in a puddle of tears. weeping and smiling. and, well.. then i fell apart. i think that was probably the longest hug we ever shared.
'will you two stop that?' ma gently reprimanded.
*****************************************************************************
years later i asked dad why she said that. (actually, she said it a lot to us when we would tear up over stuff..) he said.. 'i didnt know your mother nearly so well as she knew me. your ma was strong. but she cried like a baby the whole way home.'
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