forget it..

i am so good at focusing.  on other people.  on my profession.  on tasks like writing.. 


in singing.. a focused tone buzzes in the air.. takes on a life all its own.. projects effortlessly.. and has precision and resonance and clarity.  in order to focus.. you need a focal point (like the railroad tracks) and the great thing about focal points is.. they create focus and release tension all at once.

that is the kind of focus i excel at..

creating that concentrated sound every time i open my mouth to sing

if only i could create that kind of resonance in my life
i lack focus
my brain is mush
i have mundane normal goals.. and i am able to focus to accomplish them. 
but i lack a focal point in my life. 

i tell people i always wanted to be a comedian.  but i never pursued it, because i cant tell a joke to save my life.  it's true.  i screw up the punch line or i just forget it.  its really sad!  cant tell a story either.  i go in circles and stutter and beat around the bush and mumble and take forever to get to the point.  the POINT.  i cannot focus when put on the spot.  tell us a joke jc.. or make up a limerick jc.. yeah not ever gonna happen. 

give me some sheet music and a melody  and i will show you focus

give me a laptop, 20 minutes, and a theme  and i will try and show you focus

otherwise.. forget it haha


 

The laser like focus of attention.

I like to look at the big picture sometimes, and see how things are put together.  I love how things work.  I like to know the underpinnings of things.  I  lift up the hood and mess around with the parts.

I feel sometimes like I have little antennas, that lift in the wind and look for novelty or unexplained things.  It doesn't take much to get me my interest moved and tracking down some science paper or a map or chart or other arcane knowledge that helps buttress a theory or explain some odd ball thing.

I do it to the detriment of conversations, things I'm doing.   Like an absent minded professor, I putter off task and get lost in thought.

 Twice in recent days, I noticed this happening. Reese goes "Are you there, Rosie?"  Um... Um... yeah I'm here!  Well it was her own fault. She was talking about her labs, her pro-times INR being high and I just had to go google it and got lost in the diagrams and the links on it.  Her life depends on it being the right numbers and by golly that's kind of important to me.  So I let a pool turn time out and got scolded a little when I found myself back in the present. 

Amy's BP discussion was fascinating to me.  About a dozen different thoughts came to mind.  Oh sure it's just blood pressure, but to me it was a chance to ponder and reflect.    I had to stifle myself before I went verbally off on a tangent that would make most people dizzy.  I still want to find that blood pressure/heart disease map though. I had it round here somewhere...

I like to discuss what we write, to wring out meaning and find gems of ideas and connect things together.  Sometimes it doesn't take long and other times I jump grabbing up knots and undoing them.

Slip away, I might not notice that you even have left.

{[ Focus..focus..focus ]}

The world around me is a complete blur..
I only have one goal..my only focus.
I want my child happy..I want my friends
and family happy.
I..want to be happy. But without my glasses..
thats a blur.
I try to squint..I squint so hard I get headaches.
When I get headaches, my whole body throbs.
When my body throbs, my heart slows.
When my heart slows..I can't breathe.
I can go days without breathing.
I don't like it..but it happens.
Ever since this blog I've felt a million different
feelings. Love,hate,torment, torture,momentary happiness,
unimaginable depression..mostly pain.
Pain I want to be rid of. But..pain kinda makes me
who I am. I look at people differently because I know that
when they are being cheated on, they are feeling pain that
I know way to well of. It hurts me..when I see someone hurting
theirself. Specially when they are able to be great at so
many things. They hold back, they hid, they run. ..I want to
hid and run..but I'm trying to learn how to be ..great..

THAT WASHED OUT FEELING!

FATIGUE:

I thought I was just plain tired all the time…until I figured it out that it is a combination of tiredness and fatigue.

RA causes fatigue…you go to bed and get a good nights sleep and wake up like you didn’t sleep at all. The only good thing is that I may wake up and have minimal joint pain which can better or worsen as the day goes on. Then on the other hand, I may wake up and not be able to move my joints without such pain that makes me want to find a comfort zone and just lay still. Depressing!

Meds cause tiredness…some cause cancer…hurray!!! double whammy! Depressing!

What is more depressing than the illness itself is when I am having a great day, putting my hair up, putting make-up on, putting a big smile on my face and I go out in public…ready to meet the world and I am face to face with familiar people and they look at me and say “you look so tired”! What the heck!!! I thought I looked pretty good. Obviously through the eyes of others, I didn’t. It took me hours to look this way... The tired look!!! Mhm…sure!

Depressing!

People look at me differently, but I still see them through the same eyes that I’ve always had. My appearance has changed………….And... I can see you!

So whether I am tired or fatigued…..☺

{[ Shrug ]}

Why am I..
         such an idiot.
I mess up..
         everything I touch.
Why..
        am I even here..

..  .. ..

Change

I have a love hate relationship with change.   I like things to be predictable.  I want some logic and scientific precision in my life.  I like people to be predictable.  And of course I like my weather to be predictable too.

It's windy right now.  Chaos is swirling in our backyard.  Limbs are down.  Seed pods have dropped from the winter's growth.  Leaves have dropped and new leaves budded out to mark the minor changes we have in the subtropical spring time.

Young people are growing up and pushing us older ones out to the side.  I don't like being lost in technology that I used to be master of.  I don't like asking for help from my son, when I used to build computers and websites. 

That sort of change does not sit well with me.  

But watching younger people blossom and grow.   That is the best type of change.  Being around people who accept the challenges of life and go for it.  That is nourishment for me.  I love to hear about Reese's grandchild getting his first job, graduating with honors,  winning a scholarship to not one but several colleges.   Applause.

With my son, we applaud very small modest changes.   He answered the phone the other day!  He talked to a stranger and took down a message.  That is a huge long looked for change for him.   He had no choice; I wasn't there in the house, so he rose to the occasion.   I couldn't be more proud.  I take my joy where I can find it.

My husband is contemplating a big change in his lifestyle.  He is going to retire.  Money will be less, he will have more time.  He is having trouble waiting.  He keeps asking me, what are we going to do?  I come up with delightful scenarios, and he comes up with scary ones that involve a lot of change.  He wants to go live on a Caribbean Island. and I am like. nuuuuuu.  nuuuuu.    Bad idea, bad idea.

Slowly moving negative changes are clawing at my health.  I'm pretty feisty about some things but this is a battle I am tired of fighting.  I use my writing and my force of will to keep going, to stay upbeat and moving forward.

This blog or any type of mental activity stimulates me everyday and provides the change of novelty.   I dearly love to write.  In writing I am in command of the changes.   Like most authors, I relish that.

GRINS.

change

anyone have some spare change?  penny for your thoughts..

change is hard
change means i have to work away old habits that are comfortable.. comforting
change is painful

i only change when its too painful to stay in the place i am at any given moment
dont make it easy for me.. or i will never budge
..thats telling

i like to think im fairly spontaneous in my approach to life
but that would also imply that i am ok with change
im not.. though i would say that i am

wow

i say it because i want to believe i can change
i want to believe change for me.. is possible
right now.. change is still more painful

ouch

i put my change up next to all the dust that has collected
i still havent dusted
the change will start to collect dust too
fairly sure thats how its gonna be for a while

i keep poking at the wounds
i take a step forward then turn and run back twenty

i am a shadow
my back to the sun
filthy from muck
shifting foot to foot
restless

no im not ready.. for change