We come back empty handed.

JC, Reese, Amy and Rosie packed up their caravan and headed out to the peach fields at Eckert's Farm east of Bellville, IL.   Rosie had been going there for as long as she had lived in St. Louis, it was a family tradition.

Amy said, "Why do the peaches always have to be ripe in the hottest days of the year?"  We think she was making a joke, but we weren't completely sure.

Rosie and Reese were old hands at ripe peach picking and transporting.  The rock star bus had a dozen flats set out ready in the back to receive the juicy bulging goodness of fully grown peaches.  You have to lay them out in single layers or the weight of the peaches on top will bruise the ones below.    The farm had a store next to it. the kind with penny candy, and homemade goodies and honeycombs for sale.  It had a petting area with hot pigs, annoyed chickens and a dust covered lamb.  There was a riding rink for tricycle John Deer tractors.  and over in the lane, the wagons to take you out to the peach orchard.

JC was pink necked and well on his way  to burning in the hot sun.  All the  ladies had their straw hats on and dampened kerchiefs round their necks.  He was being contrary and went bareheaded.   We had gotten there early but the sun was up hot and feisty on that August day,  The heat shimmered on the pavement. and it shimmered on the top of his head too.

We piled in the wagon with other groups of families and excited children.  The wagon was crowded so Amy sat on JC's head.  At least he was shaded by the sun, but he did have trouble seeing out.

We bumped along and swayed in the ruts.   The fella took his time and took us past the Victorian mansion that had been part of the farm.  Three full flights of brick and ornate iron work.  The inside was gorgeous.

We were picking half clingstone peaches today.  The guide shows us the rows, hands us bags and we go at it.

I get about half a small bag filled and one half way eaten when I hear a squish.   Poor JC has fainted in the heat.  what a disappointment.  We have to rush him into the store and treat him for heat stroke, leaving our tasty bags of peaches behinds in our concern.


JC was recovered well enough to go clubbing that night and we went back the next day for peaches.

disappointment.

if we didnt live in a world of expectations
there would be no disappointment

can you imagine a world with no disappointment?

i am disappointed that my dad, who is 66 i think.. im not doing the math right now.. basically lives his life out of his easy chair.  he tells me all his plans.. but never follows through.  he once told me, 'son.. if i ever get to be maudlin like my daddy, tell me.'  i did.  didnt do much good.  im disappointed.

im disappointed that my brother doesnt have a job.  has children he doesnt see.  doesnt pay child support.  wont pick himself up and live to his potential.  wont stop sucking off my dad.
all of which are my expectations.  im disappointed.

im disappointed that two of my students had to be yanked last minute from the competition this weekend.  an opportunity not to be passed up.  they didnt practice.  i am sorely disappointed.

there are very few people in my life that have NOT left some sort of bitter taste in my mouth..  the bitter taste of disappointment.  it's nauseating.

and so that makes me look very intensely at myself.

who am i to judge?  who am i to make assumptions that people are capable of more?  who am i to have expectations of others?  who am i really disappointed in?  me.

someone very dear to me said to be compassionate with myself.  i try every day to be more forgiving of myself.  this task is daunting.  and i fail.  surprisingly, i forgive myself this fail..  because the outcome is that i am still hard on myself.  disappointed.  no one could ever disappoint me as much as me, myself, and i.

maybe if i find the key to releasing myself from my own expectations.. i will find the release from disappointment i so desire. 

i dont want to be disappointed.  in me.  in others.
it is just plain unfair.

O.O

seems im the theme of the day here..

dont listen to these girls.. im a clown and they know it.  ;)

i get high on estrogen i think.. i sure do like all the attention..

but on a serious note.
i love each and every one of you.  you all mean so much to me, there just arent words.  but im sure at some point i will find them.. because, well.. as you all know.. you really cant shut me up once i get going.

i may put boogers on your chair
i may let you play in my hair
i may pick and tease
and say outrageous things
but only because your friendship means the world to me
to bring a smile to the lips of a friend is my healing
and to have made a connection that means something.. so much more.

rosie, reese, amy.. i love you.. my blog mates.. my friends
thank you for letting me share my voice
          more importantly, i thank you for.......... hearing me.
im blushing so intensely, swelling with pride, and humbled to the core!

{[¥ Dearest Friend Of Mine ¥]}

It's funny the things you remember once you think deep and hard. I was still pretty new to the omgpop website, making friends, drawing horribly with a watermelon pen and a free apple clock. The day was like no other while I drew pitiful little stick men, confusing all of the other people in the room as to what in the hell I was drawing for them. Then..he came..he came in the room. OMG!!! Those eyes..I remember..the eyes. Quickly I fled to click on his profile reading every little detail. Looking to see his pictures. I felt like a little school girl ooogling this guys info. Once I noticed his screen name I couldn't help but to giggle a little. Down went the profile to the bottom of my screen while I quickly typed as if fire was in my fingertips trying to answer every single word before all the others. Back then I never really paid much mind that there were people that could draw such incredible pictures. I never let them take their time in drawing like I do now. But then..this handsome older guy said..hi. whaa..uh..was he saying hi to me? A noobie? Nah.. He wouldn't he was a higher level then I could ever be. But yet, he was. Just a simple hi. Later on after wiggling my way higher up the draw my thing level and befriending a lot of high ranks, he was added to my friends list. Never talked to him much..never payed a lot of mind. Just started noticing he would play a game all alone many nights. I was concerned but knew he had a special person in his life so I figured I'd leave all alone. He was so happy, so full of spark when he and her were there in rooms. I never knew her much but I envied the woman. This woman had a great catch, better then I would ever know. Later the days and weeks flew by and I got to know him better. I even started to follow him into his alone games. Giving him friendly smiles and jokes. He seemed..so distant and far away. I knew something was the matter and I hoped to help..Jc became this person to me that I never really had. Then suddenly one day he disappeared in the blink of an eye. I knew he deleted me, and a lot others. ..it hurt. But I knew deep down that he had his reasons for "that's all folks". Out of now were he appeared, I was weirded out that I was the first person to see him back. Course I was excited that he had came back. He got stuck having to listen to what I was going through with a certain few. Me and him both concered that with pain, but in the end it brought us close together and now looking back I would do it all over again. Jc is an amazing guy that deserves the best. He has such great talent and a fun loving aditude. I wouldn't trade him for all the people in the world. I love messing with him and telling him funny jokes. We have this amazing bond like I've never known. I'm proud to call him my friend. In the present and in the future, I wish him love and happiness like he has done for me. And yes your still a sexyyyy sexxxyy beast !!!!!!!!

JC

I started with DMT in the summer, and then switched over to Missile.   DMT was my first love, but it was messy and full of tangled drama and relationships.  Missile was my refuge. 

JC is DMT royalty.  Game Level over a 100.  I have no memory of how we met or how long ago it was. I haven't got a clue how he got on my friends list. and I usually know these things. It's all a blur with him.


JC would be fun to have sex with.  I would say fuck, but Reese is reading this and well you know, the F-word. but truly he would be fun to straddle and just gulp down.  People tell me that, and I am willing to take it on faith.  He must smell really good. 

Now that the obvious is taken care of, that he is sex on a stick, let me discuss the JC I know, the one who is kind and tender and clever; the one with a mind.

JC is a passionate teacher of voice.  He molds young singers.   That is such a huge thing.  He coaches and coaxes children, and gives hope and encouragement to adults.   He listens to off key notes.  That is a hero. right there.

You can trust him with your voice.

I trust him with mine.

{[¥ Secrets To Share And Miles To Go ¥]}

I have a tiny box, smaller then the eye can see. This box is all mine and it's deep down inside of me. I keep the contents closed with paper and tight twine. So when I open this, I'm sharing to you what's mine. Perhaps my words will keep secret as I have done so long. But I know my real friends here won't do me wrong. I'm not easily read so please move along, if you can not handle me for I have done many wrongs. I don't share well with others, unless it's food of some sort, for which that is shared to JC for fun and good sport. I'm really happy to be doing this although I'm deeply afraid. Does that make much of sence...I hope I can fix that some day. I bet your thinking the rhyming is corny..but would you rather me be horny?? Don't answer that, if-in you may. Ok along to the writing and I'll see you all another day.                                                                                                                                            
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[[ It's been so long ago or at least it feels that way to me, when I found out that I would not be an only child anymore. I remember waking up every day waiting on my new sibling. Someone to play with, someone to tell secrets to, someone that I could share my toys with. When I went to school I would talk highly of the new excitement that was to come. I also told a little fib that got me in big trouble with my teacher as well. All that excitement got the best of me, obviously. I told teacher that mom was having a girl, when I knew I was going to have a brother all along. I didn't want a brother...ick..back then boys drove me nuts. Pulled my hair, snapped my bra, even touched me were they shouldn't had. I grew faster then the other girls in my grade which later caused me back problems, surgeries, and a few boys getting sent off. One day out of the blue teacher called me out of the room into the hall. Uh oh here we go..rolling my eyes on the way out I already knew what was comin..and yes it came. Teacher had sent a note previously to my mother congratulating her on her soon to be baby girl. Mmhm, I was caught alright and yelled at by not one person but many. After that little issue Jamie was born. My brother, my big headed brother. Haha we joked that he had a big head, big head with a lot of brains. I was jealous of the "boy", I will admit for a while. He got all the attention, while I started in on manual labor. I learned real quick that if I wanted to keep the head on my Barbie doll that I needed to share it with the big headed kid. And even then the doll would get covered in drool and baby food. Not to long after the fun of one brother another mysteriously appeared from the sky. Jody the maracle child. Mom got her tubes tied but the tard tard doctors got her chart mixed with someone else. So...one brother, two brothers..that's just for little demon children to come about. And omg were they demons when they started walkin. I would have to dig bars of soap out of the fish aquarium while they sat back on the couch sharing peanut butter jelly sandwhiches while laughing histarically at me. My brothers...I wouldn't trade them for nothin. ]] ..

glad she didnt wear a coat

january 1997

wasnt too cold that overcast january day, when she picked me up in her little blue honda crx.  she wore jeans and a casual dark blue button down shirt.. unbuttoned just enough.  long dark brown waves swept up into a high ponytail, rogue wisps framing her lovely smiling face.  her eyes captivating, with just a trace of blush and mascara.. gazing up at me with confidence. 

where's your coat?

don't need one.  i rarely wear a coat.

on the way to the theater we talked about nothing in particular.  i just couldnt take my eyes off of her.  and i couldnt stop smiling.  and my heart kept wanting to leap out of my chest.  she drove fast like me.  didnt seem a bit unnerved for a first date.. her first ever.

we dont seem to have a hard time making conversation.. this is good.
we are both nervous.. my leg is shaking.. ha so is hers!
the movie starts.. but i cant pay attention.. i try
but my damn heart just wont stop pounding
at least i remember what movie!
she said, no chic flick..  so.. Ransom.
     
                                      *******************************
is it cold in here?

feels ok to me.. (i grin)

im chilly.

hmm.. what would you like me to do about that?

well.. you could put your arm around me.

over time, she tells this story to friends.. and teasingly complains how i made her make the first move.. on her first date.. EVER.

dinner at the local Fridays.. the waitress giving us this knowing smile. 
her hand found mine.
she had cajun chicken.. i dont remember what i had.. i didnt really care.
i was all about her.