Anger...I have trouble expressing thoughts about this topic. I guess it's because I haven't had that clenched fist, red, boiling mad feeling in a long, long time....And that's probably because all my feelings were burned up in the black hole of mourning...
I have been living in a five year hiatus from feelings of any kind. Love, hate, anger, and pleasure have been welded into the fire pit where I cherish the embers of my old life. Sometimes those embers spark and flame, sometimes they glow softly, but they will never have the warmth nor give me the light again...
I have had to build a new fireplace. It is made of bricks brought by friends, solid brick, piled high, shielding the wind of discontent, the water of my tears, and the anger of the loss. I choose my starter carefully and lay on each branch before I strike the match. I guard the fire. I will not risk it again. Therefore, I do not let the feelings in. It is superficial but survivable!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Anger...grrr
Anger…grrrr
Today I was Tonking. Tonk is a card game…low hand wins. After not being successful for a few (like more than 3) hands, I decide to move on to another Tonk group. I entered the room and the host says “hey you fu.k leave”…”Reese, get the fu.k out of here”…”Reese, leave…we hate you Reese”. I asked…How can you hate me when you don’t even know me? The more they begged me to leave, the more I was determined to stay put! and I did…I told them they were very disrespectful to me when I first arrived in their room. This did not seem to bother them. There were two…one on my right and one on my left…I was smack in the middle and not budging…They did not own stars so they could not kick me. Had I been host, I would of gladly kicked them and would not have closed my eyes while doing so. Then the host says, “I will just keep extending til you leave”. I, still standing my ground replied back “I don’t care, I have all day”…Then the host says “you must not have a life if you can sit here all day”, I said nothing….then the host says “you must be a lazy n”…..then I started to see red red red!!! I was filling with anger…I was clenching my teeth…my body was turning into a stiff board…my exhaling was deep…then the host turned and said “ok, we’ll play Reese and take all her money”…..well, I let the clock run down to 1 and I high tailed it out of there. No way was I going to chance losing to them little snot nosed twirps…
After I removed myself from their room, I wish I had stayed…I wish I had taken down their names…I wish I had a full bar of Lava Soap…
anger
anger is something i can easily write about.
im happy right now.
it's a rare, unfamiliar.. unwieldy feeling.. happiness.
anger is so much more my home.
well.. it was.
now i question that statement.
anger is learning that my dad gave my brother his credit card to go on a 'long haul' to ny state from ohio with one of his buddies. (whatever that means.. cuz my brother doesnt 'do' anything) and upon his arrival home.. ignores my dad's request to return the card and doesnt offer to pay the $2000 tab. they were gone 2 days.
btw.. he didnt bother swinging down to visit me.. i was only a couple hours away.
anger is coming home and finding my parents' belongings.. photos.. clothing.. books.. paperwork.. artwork.. and other things in huge piles in the basement.. sopping wet..........completely ruined. my sister in tears.. my brother beligerant and blocking the doorway.. his wife smirking out from behind him.. my dad.. still too grief stricken to care.
anger is finding my girlfriend had slept with my brother.. no mistaken identity.. you cant fake the lack of a limb.
anger is sitting in a hospital room, for a week with sister and mom.. thinking dad wouldnt ever recover from the cerebral hemorrhage.. and no sign of my brother.
that's just the short list of anger.
my anger is wrapped up in my brother. i cut the tie.. but the anger.. lingers.
today, in my happiness.. anger's stranglehold.. is temporarily faded.
im happy right now.
it's a rare, unfamiliar.. unwieldy feeling.. happiness.
anger is so much more my home.
well.. it was.
now i question that statement.
anger is learning that my dad gave my brother his credit card to go on a 'long haul' to ny state from ohio with one of his buddies. (whatever that means.. cuz my brother doesnt 'do' anything) and upon his arrival home.. ignores my dad's request to return the card and doesnt offer to pay the $2000 tab. they were gone 2 days.
btw.. he didnt bother swinging down to visit me.. i was only a couple hours away.
anger is coming home and finding my parents' belongings.. photos.. clothing.. books.. paperwork.. artwork.. and other things in huge piles in the basement.. sopping wet..........completely ruined. my sister in tears.. my brother beligerant and blocking the doorway.. his wife smirking out from behind him.. my dad.. still too grief stricken to care.
anger is finding my girlfriend had slept with my brother.. no mistaken identity.. you cant fake the lack of a limb.
anger is sitting in a hospital room, for a week with sister and mom.. thinking dad wouldnt ever recover from the cerebral hemorrhage.. and no sign of my brother.
that's just the short list of anger.
my anger is wrapped up in my brother. i cut the tie.. but the anger.. lingers.
today, in my happiness.. anger's stranglehold.. is temporarily faded.
Anger ugh. go away.
did we already write on anger. wtf? brb. Yes we wrote on anger on 2/1/2012 Oh well. reruns!
So we are writing about anger because Reese got mad. I got indignant just thinking about somebody making Reese mad. How dare they? They better run!
============================================================
My mother lived her life Angry. Her core default setting was a place of Anger and mean spiritedness. I don't want to be like that. I saw it poison her.
I hate being angry. I try to avoid it like stomach flu. I wash my hands often of things. I cover my mouth when I might say something that would spread bad feelings. I repress any angry situation like I'm taking penicillin for it. I stay away from society if I am angry. I will tell you Go Away (without the please) to avoid outbursts. (sorry for that) Every once in a while I will blow up from some random small thing that triggered something and my self control comes down like a knocked over supermarket display.
The last time I was royally pissed off, JC helped me through it. We went into DMT and drew. I felt it leave my body. My shoulders relaxed, my stomach unknotted, my heart opened up. I felt good feelings return.
My son didn't go to school again today. He appears to be stoned. We're not angry. I can't afford to take it into my body.
I went back to my happy place and relaxed...
Aaaahhh.
So we are writing about anger because Reese got mad. I got indignant just thinking about somebody making Reese mad. How dare they? They better run!
============================================================
My mother lived her life Angry. Her core default setting was a place of Anger and mean spiritedness. I don't want to be like that. I saw it poison her.
I hate being angry. I try to avoid it like stomach flu. I wash my hands often of things. I cover my mouth when I might say something that would spread bad feelings. I repress any angry situation like I'm taking penicillin for it. I stay away from society if I am angry. I will tell you Go Away (without the please) to avoid outbursts. (sorry for that) Every once in a while I will blow up from some random small thing that triggered something and my self control comes down like a knocked over supermarket display.
The last time I was royally pissed off, JC helped me through it. We went into DMT and drew. I felt it leave my body. My shoulders relaxed, my stomach unknotted, my heart opened up. I felt good feelings return.
My son didn't go to school again today. He appears to be stoned. We're not angry. I can't afford to take it into my body.
I went back to my happy place and relaxed...
Aaaahhh.
har har
i cant tell a joke to save my life.. i ruin the punch line or just forget it. so .. usually the joke is on me.
corny jokes appeal to me.. just because they are punny and well.. dumb. so here goes my attempt at remembering the corniest joke i know.
*****
there were these three knots standing outside a bar
a small knot
a medium knot
and yeah.. a big knot
sign on the door reads.. no knots allowed
oh hell i already ruined the damn joke.. let me start over
*****
there were these three ROPES standing outside the bar
a short rope
a medium rope
and yeah.. a long rope
sign on the door reads.. no ropes allowed
(snickers)
short rope says 'i don't care.. i am thirsty' goes in the bar.
bartender says.. 'are you a rope?'
short rope says.. 'yeah.. so?'
gets kicked out.
medium rope says 'wth.. let me try' sneaks in the side door..
bartender squints and says..'you a rope?'
medium rope stands up tall and says 'YEAH.. what you gonna do about it?'
gets kicked out.
long rope shrugs.. ties himself in a knot, frays his end, and casually saunters into the bar.
bartender glares and says.. 'are you a rope?'
long rope frowns and says.. 'im afraid not.'
har har
corny jokes appeal to me.. just because they are punny and well.. dumb. so here goes my attempt at remembering the corniest joke i know.
*****
there were these three knots standing outside a bar
a small knot
a medium knot
and yeah.. a big knot
sign on the door reads.. no knots allowed
oh hell i already ruined the damn joke.. let me start over
*****
there were these three ROPES standing outside the bar
a short rope
a medium rope
and yeah.. a long rope
sign on the door reads.. no ropes allowed
(snickers)
short rope says 'i don't care.. i am thirsty' goes in the bar.
bartender says.. 'are you a rope?'
short rope says.. 'yeah.. so?'
gets kicked out.
medium rope says 'wth.. let me try' sneaks in the side door..
bartender squints and says..'you a rope?'
medium rope stands up tall and says 'YEAH.. what you gonna do about it?'
gets kicked out.
long rope shrugs.. ties himself in a knot, frays his end, and casually saunters into the bar.
bartender glares and says.. 'are you a rope?'
long rope frowns and says.. 'im afraid not.'
har har
My Joke
My favorite joke is one on me. It's really a coming of age story and it goes like this:
The year my family moved to California was a hard one involving many sacrifices. When Christmas came around I knew there wouldn't be any big presents for me. That put me in a little funk. We all went shopping at the local variety store and made the most of our meager funds. I bought my handyman dad a screwdriver.
On Christmas morning the funk was worse. Suffering with thirteen year old angst and hormones and disappointment, I came out from my bedroom and threw myself on the couch where I decided to stay and be upset.
I yelled at my brother to leave me alone! My baby sister came to comfort me. Not happening! I complained to the dog. I muttered about life in general. I was determined to be miserable and take the rest of the family down to. They had pancakes, I skipped breakfast. They gathered round the tree, I sat on the couch! Surprisingly, my mom and dad let me wallow in self-pity and soon enough I started to feel a little better without their intervention. Maybe Christmas would not be as bad as I thought.
Somewhere along the line, I started to anticipate my dad unwrapping his gift from me. A screwdriver! Why had I chosen that? Well, it fit my budget. He was always looking for one. Mom said it was a good one. And, an idea was forming...I could make a joke when he unwrapped it. A grown-up joke! A joke about screwing!
Yup, thirteen and thinking of sex jokes, on Christmas! But, I hadn't really crossed over the line to 'adult' jokes before. My dad was the card in our family. Always able to make a funny pun or humorous aside (not sexy joking...after all, I was the one who discovered that!) But, to mention screwing as a joke? That would definitely put my humor into the adult category.
From the point where I decided on my joke, I began having a good time...In fact, I was beating my dad to some obvious humor about other gifts and teasing. Things were looking up. Dad seemed a little slow on some of his puns and I easily beat him to the punchlines. This whole Christmas was beginning to be about me on a roll! I was clever, funny, the life of the party. My dad was unusually quiet (maybe he was hormonal?). Then, I asked him to open his present from me. Oh, a screwdriver! Yes! Bet you and mom can have fun with that! Ha ha! Wink wink! The other kids would never figure out what we adults were talking about!
I expected a retort from dad. He smiled, grinned to show he got it, but didn't come back with anything. He was letting me loose! All righty...I could handle that. And I did. One liners, puns, silly stuff...the family was in stitches and I had a ball! I was the star that Christmas. and then...the big reveal....
The prized family gift that year was a Wollensak reel-to-reel tape recorder which had been placed under the couch to record the entire four hour Christmas festivitiy and the first sound on the tape is me yelling, "Leave me alone!" So, my coming of age is captured for posterity on tape! What a present! What a joke!
The year my family moved to California was a hard one involving many sacrifices. When Christmas came around I knew there wouldn't be any big presents for me. That put me in a little funk. We all went shopping at the local variety store and made the most of our meager funds. I bought my handyman dad a screwdriver.
On Christmas morning the funk was worse. Suffering with thirteen year old angst and hormones and disappointment, I came out from my bedroom and threw myself on the couch where I decided to stay and be upset.
I yelled at my brother to leave me alone! My baby sister came to comfort me. Not happening! I complained to the dog. I muttered about life in general. I was determined to be miserable and take the rest of the family down to. They had pancakes, I skipped breakfast. They gathered round the tree, I sat on the couch! Surprisingly, my mom and dad let me wallow in self-pity and soon enough I started to feel a little better without their intervention. Maybe Christmas would not be as bad as I thought.
Somewhere along the line, I started to anticipate my dad unwrapping his gift from me. A screwdriver! Why had I chosen that? Well, it fit my budget. He was always looking for one. Mom said it was a good one. And, an idea was forming...I could make a joke when he unwrapped it. A grown-up joke! A joke about screwing!
Yup, thirteen and thinking of sex jokes, on Christmas! But, I hadn't really crossed over the line to 'adult' jokes before. My dad was the card in our family. Always able to make a funny pun or humorous aside (not sexy joking...after all, I was the one who discovered that!) But, to mention screwing as a joke? That would definitely put my humor into the adult category.
From the point where I decided on my joke, I began having a good time...In fact, I was beating my dad to some obvious humor about other gifts and teasing. Things were looking up. Dad seemed a little slow on some of his puns and I easily beat him to the punchlines. This whole Christmas was beginning to be about me on a roll! I was clever, funny, the life of the party. My dad was unusually quiet (maybe he was hormonal?). Then, I asked him to open his present from me. Oh, a screwdriver! Yes! Bet you and mom can have fun with that! Ha ha! Wink wink! The other kids would never figure out what we adults were talking about!
I expected a retort from dad. He smiled, grinned to show he got it, but didn't come back with anything. He was letting me loose! All righty...I could handle that. And I did. One liners, puns, silly stuff...the family was in stitches and I had a ball! I was the star that Christmas. and then...the big reveal....
The prized family gift that year was a Wollensak reel-to-reel tape recorder which had been placed under the couch to record the entire four hour Christmas festivitiy and the first sound on the tape is me yelling, "Leave me alone!" So, my coming of age is captured for posterity on tape! What a present! What a joke!
My Favorite Joke
Special Nails
Two simple carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second simpleton got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
===============================================================
That's a variation on my favorite joke, which is this:
Guy has just opened a large box of pencils and looks down at it with disgust. He starts picking one up, looking at it, throwing it in the trash, Picks up another, nods his head, puts it on the desk and goes on for quite a while like that.
His secretary walks in and asks him what he's doing?
"I'm sorting out the defective ones. At least every other one has the point on the wrong end!"
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