reese

i knew, instantly, i would love her dearly.

i was right.

with a wonderful dry sense of humor.. catching me off guard with excellent timing.  i pay close attention to what she has to say, because though she is often timorous in her approach, her message is clear and genuine and pure.  warmth and brightness and wholesome. always ready with a kind word..  astounds me with her uncanny way of finding just the right thing to say.. at just the right moment.

today, when i needed just to talk to someone... just about nothing... to help me find my balance again... to let me know i was ok...  there was Reese. 

Reese,
though i have not known you for long..
i recognize in you
a beautiful spirit
noble
a voice
wisdom in purity
i am honored to call you friend

Reese our Strawberry Queen.

Tonight's assignment is to write about Reese. because we want to write happy and she makes us feel happy.


She's a red head.  And small. 5' 2 ''  but her spirit is generous in size.  It spreads out and covers like a properly sewn quilt does.  And she is strong through her pain, like pioneer strong, like buried a baby and went on strong.  And she is tender as a done pork loin roast on a winter's morning. 

She's funny.  Like dun dun dun funny.   Roll them Lester, she says.   'everytime it's funny.


Once when I was so sore I wasn't typing much she wanted to know why I wasn't laughing.   Oh I was lol'ing. but she wanted a good long belly laugh.

as it is, my laptop used to jiggle on my knees, when her quick wit would catch me just right, the words would bounce, and I would miss a  shot in pool.  Wiping my eyes with the tail of my shirt, I would try to see the screen.

It shows up in her writing too.  The bar kiddy corner to the church, of course.  the squirrel running down the road waiting for her and putting pinesol out in a bowl to fool her fella into thinking she worked cleaning all day long.

I look to see if she's on.  If she is I brighten, if she isn't I hope she's okay. 

She draws just fine, but she's a bit timid about it.  Her drawings are great.  they are determined, her stick figures show enthusiasm.  Her landscapes are sunny.

I don't know how the world could do without her, and I had better not have to find out.  I expect God to cut her some serious Grace and give her some relief from her pain, or He and I will have some words.  

zap.

uh oh.  Ouch.

Anyway what I meant to say is,  she's in my prayers. and hardly needs a candle lit for her, she's one bright cookie.  (with raisins)

Rescue Me!

2005

I could not breath.

I could not raise my head.

I could barely talk.

I just wanted to stay in bed.

I am here today.

But not the same.

My life had been spared.

But memory plays a game.

Takes longer to think.

Can’t find the word.

Encouraged to write.

Thank you Lord!

Invited to journal…

With Rosie and JC.

They took me under their wings…

And now we are three!

proceed with caution

if you cant handle my seething rage.. better back out quickly.  NOW.

every day.. every fucking miserable day
i give
i give and i give and i give
even if its just a little bit.. when thats all i have left..
because you have sucked me lifeless....
and all i fucking get is silence
NOTHING

its like a door slammed in my face
one of those really heavy double paned glass doors
like i dont see it coming every fucking time

im tired
my blood is at its boiling point
im burnt
im like some idiot who just keeps putting his hand in the fucking flame

i just want to be heard
im shouting at the top of my lungs
shouting hoarse
NOTHING

fucking look right at me
NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SEE ME
HEAR ME
FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE ME

i dont want what you have to give
it isnt enough
i dont want to feel this way anymore
i dont want to FEEL anymore
and now..
the ice and steel
is building its foundation
once again..
and then..
you will come back with words of solace
and reassurance
and i will crumble
the wall will melt and fall away like toothpicks..
and i will believe what i want so badly to believe..
because i am weak and damaged beyond repair.

i am worthy of more. dammit.. i am fucking worthy.
when am i ever going to believe in me
i would give anything to slam this glass door in your face.

im really close.

slammed.

Anger; Shouting match in my mind

 Shouting match in my mind this morning.

Who the f*ck do you think you are?  Going off this morning and not telling me where you were going?

I was asleep.. SO! ?  


You did What?!!?   Why?!!  Oh never mind ,  just...   give me a  moment. 

=rubs her head.

Oh honestly.  

There goes that dog again barking.  So shrill.  So loud.

And so were you dear wife, this morning.  Good thing it was all in your head.

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Smash, there goes the bookcase.  Damn, do you get it now? I am upset!
Smash, there goes a good cup.    Damn that was a great cup. 


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Brinnggg, brinnnggg.  the phone is loud as f*ck at 12:48 am.

It is a customer for Danny @#$%! bike business?

Yelling at me.   Are you nutz?

Biggest grin in the world how that conversation turned out.
=============================================

White anger at my grandfather's funeral.  What did you call my husband?  A freak?
Let me at Mom.  Let me at her....

Let go of my arm.  Let me just get one punch in.

Picks up a dirt clod from the grave and pitches it across.

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You sunnabitch.  Are you laughing?  Pushes the shopping cart into her heels.

sorry.  Innocent look.

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Yeah I slept with your boyfriend .