Boundaries (and limitations)

Boundaries (and limitations!)

I've spent my life pushing boundaries...not much.  But, enough to scandalize, shock or make sure I had attention on me. I'm not sure that's so bad.  It seems to have worked for me.  Certainly my humor comes from those lines most don't cross.
Boundaries aren't always limitations.  They could be simply borders, divisions...where something is the same on either side like the Rockies between here and Canada. Or the decorative edge on the bulletin board...nothing judgmental there.
But when I hear 'boundaries', I'm pretty sure I just crossed one.  Someone is going to take me to task for something I've done. Some language, impropriety, a social blunder or faux pax has tripped me up and become a scarlet letter which I will wear.  I feel raw waiting to discover what it could be this time.

boundaries

i realize i kinda suck at setting boundaries.  at least until recently.

hm.. no, this is not accurate.
i do set boundaries..
and clear ones in necessary situations..
i just havent guarded them like i should.
lack of self-awareness..  self-respect.. self-esteem!! wtf!!! that's not me!!

but i respect other people's boundaries.. to the point of excess. 
im not one to impose.

thats lopsided
and unhealthy
passive?  wtf!!

its kept me from developing friendships at times.

i realize my friends.. are people who ventured into my territory..
not the other way around... hm.. never..

this troubles me.

tomorrow is a new day.  tomorrow i am going to be assertive and start a conversation with a complete stranger. 
tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow i will try making friends with people who strike my interest.

so the last few days i set some boundaries i wasnt willing to leave unguarded.  and i have learned a valuable lesson.  i have grown. 

*looks around and notices a little less dust..

Boundaries

I've spoken before about how we didn't like neighbors much growing up and I put up tall fences on our MO property to keep prying eyes out of our yard and to keep the dog safe.  It kept the dog in, but it sure din't keep the kids out.  Kids on both sides came in our yard at all times of the day.  The boy on the one side learned to use the gate and close it back again, but he would walk into our house unannounced and even up into our bedroom. "Whatcha doing?" 

The nabes on the other side, just loosened a fence slat and squirmed through, or hauled it up and over the top and dropped in.  However that group stayed out of our house on pain of punishment by their mother, and kept far away from our dog.  

But son's closest friends had open houses for our son and we did the same for them.  They could come over with just a quick phone call to make sure someone was home.  

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Watching my son put together a jigsaw puzzle was a unique experience.  He didn't see the straight edges as belonging to a special part of the puzzle.  He would methodically test each puzzle piece for fit into a slot, four different ways, regardless of color, shape or the fact that it was a corner or edge piece.

He got the puzzle done, eventually, but the idea that the puzzle had edges eluded him.




I have so much more to say but ran out of time.

{[ Day One ]}

I dont know where to start but I guess I'll figure it out while my fingers move as my mind stares at the page. I deleted everyone. Not because I hate everyone just because I needed to breathe.

For the past week I have been laying in a deep dark hole as dirt was being thrown on my body. I couldn't move..still I barely even feel my fingers. I had to take a huge step back so that I can move forward. I love all of my friends and it makes me sad that I even deleted them in the first place. But at that very moment today I felt it was right. I have been saying some pretty hurtful things here lately to someone. And it makes me sick. How in the hell could I sit there and tell someone the things I've been saying. I'm not like that. I dont know where the hurtful things came from. I couldn't possibly feel any worse then what I do now knowing that I was being so mean. And with that, thats my reason for leaving for the time being. Rosie and Reese..I am not mad at either of you in the slightest. I will eventually add you two back in time. Only if you..want to of course. I don't expect either of you to add me back just with a snap of a finger. It was wrong that I did it in the first place. And I am ..deeply sorry. I just need to be stress free..vc free..IM free..just FREE.

I have alot of health problems for my age and I have been thinking of that as well all day.

I am tweenty seven years old with some of the worst problems known to man. And you all..my friends know most of these problems. Some know more then others. I take eight different medications. Just four meds alone for the BP. And I am terrible at remembering to take all of them. I constantly get the third degree about my meds. But here lately someone has been helping me and I thank him.

I understand this is a blog and not a chit chat corner but I will be using this for now just to get used to things until I come back.

I will blog the themes when they are presented just as if I was still around.

I'm not leaving forever. This is me working on me.

I want to feel good about myself first.

I took someones words and did a big thing today.

But..I will leave that for a different blog.

I love you all..I miss you all..

I'm sorry.



Withdrawal Redux

Get the troops out!
Soon...you came too soon!
Like the acupuncture needles leaving my skin
the fuzziness leaving my brain
you are gone but the pain lingers

Comrades in arms!
you trained and me fumbling
here or there, the gap widens
Can you stay? Can you be with me?
Is the battle done?

We're dying now!
Dead really,  the hallowed bed
a testament to the war we fought
and lost ...there are no winners
here we loved and lost