into the future…

This morning JC, Rosie, Jini and I were on chat at the same time for the first time since Jini had left for school a couple of months ago.

Jini had mentioned for us all to do a twenty. I work at a much slower pace at everything, so I had to ask … a 20??? It’s been so long since I’ve heard the word twenty or the number 20…I forgot it meant to do a writing in 20 minutes or less.

Whats the topic for the day???

Ummmm JC decides on “future”…which can be anything…

Rosie was mixed on today which is Wednesday or is it for Thursday after JC’s talk with his dad.

Finally we got the 20 minute writing, Wednesday evening and on the future all settled with timelines…since we are all scattered.

This is my Into The Future:

I was pooling this afternoon with some random. We were betting high at 500. Random  won 1, I won 1…then I said “1 more for the tie breaker and then I g2g”…random said ok.

Random shoots, Reese shoots and random shoots again and again….I was getting bored so I noticed 2 buttons on the side of my mouse. Hmmmm wonder what these do…click on one and it didn’t do anything…click on the other button and poof….pooling is gone and I can’t get back to my game…500 smackeroooos right down the drain. In my future, I will leave the buttons untouched while I am gaming…

I know my future writing will be totally off the wall from the other 3…but I did it in less than 20.

The possibility of Androids

The future. It’s funny thinking about it. Such a vast mysterious thing. It can be what you want it to be. So full of possibilities, so full of excitement.

My brother is 25. He is working as a market analyst in London. He has a swanky job, a swanky apartment, a swanky car. He has a gorgeous girlfriend back in India. He is happy. Yesterday he told be the best years of his life were in college.

My flatmate is 34. She is an apparel designer. She works till 6, then has dance classes, guitar classes and a baking class. She is beautiful and has an adorable merchant navy fiancé. Every night during dinner she goes on about how she wishes she were back in college.

My father is 56. He is a mechanical consultant. He owns his own company. He has a beautiful house, an incredible wife, amazing kids (if I say so myself).  His best years were in college.

I am 20. I am in college. I have a fantastic time. I am learning all sorts of things, most unrelated to my coursework. I have a whole future full of possibilities. I have dreams and goals and hopes. I want a future where I am even happier than now. But all evidence indicates that that will probably not happen. These will be the best years of my life, and then I’ll settle down to the monotony of routine and schedule. My capacity to be happy and be excited will diminish. My dreams and hopes will be compromised with reality.

Why try then? Why try so hard, get my hopes up when this is the top point of the graph? After this, reality kicks in with all its responsibilities.

Of course, there is no way about it. I know that. Nothing lasts forever. This too shall pass. It’s just a little depressing thinking about how fast it’ll all end. The supposedly best chapter in my life will be closing in just a few months.

But I know other doors will open. There will be change, and that in itself is exciting. I look forward to whatever the future throws at me.

Who knows, in my future, there may even be androids :D

thank you rosie.

the future does not exist.
neither does the past.
it's all a figment of our imagination.

there is only now.
and now is shaped by yesterday.
and now is what shapes tomorrow.

why do we make plans when what will happen.. is so unsure?
is it..
hope?
fear?
denial?
optimism?
a need for purpose?

i suppose we need purpose. 
my purpose..  to be..  happy
to continue now into tomorrow
because my now.. in this beautiful moment.. is.. perfect.

so future is purpose.  why can't i see it?  imagine it?  does this mean i really have no purpose? haha!!

it is so difficult for me to envision the future.  it always has been difficult for me.  even as happy as i am.. i cannot imagine what 5 years from now will be..  let alone a week!

i look to my dad.  i see him and i see myself..  that is real.  i seem to need something physical to make the future come to life.. so i picture myself with white hair.. and a little wrinkly.. and i laugh.  i still cannot imagine it!  do i even have an imagination?   

i look at my beautiful wife.  she will never change in my eyes.  she will always be as beautiful as the day i met her.  so does this mean i will forever hang on to the past? 

with so much uncertainty..
my god.. so much uncertainty.. i boldly step forward! 
i am such a changed man.



thank you rosie.
 

Future

The future is easier to picture among friends.  I look around and wonder how I will live  and where I will live with a greater degree of cheerfulness than if I think of it alone.   When alone, my mind winds down and loses track and focus.  But my friends wind me up like a clockwork so I can write a bit.  Their gift to me is focus.

Now that I am older, I think a bit more about how I will die.  I used to really hate the idea of dying.  It scared and upset me.  I used to use the word, If I die.  and then I realized it is actually, When.  when I die.

When I was young, I had so much illusion of time.   Time to take chances and time to be idle and time to do things over again.  Time to improve and time to reinvent myself, to correct my path and strive for better.  Time to explore and travel. See things.  Do things.

Now.   Now I live more in the immediate.  Shall I get dressed soon?  Maybe I will sleep tonight.  Can I manage lunch?   I don't concern myself about what day it is, the days are much the same now.  Monday has no special meaning for me.  Saturday,  Sunday, weekend, it doesn't matter.   Winter is the same temperature as Summer here.  Fall is less light. the changes are subtle.   I don't get the dramatic season changes that used to mark time passing.  Oh? is Sunday Easter?   A season for soup?  Fresh Tomatoes? Is the winter squash finally ripe? I dunno, I don't care anymore.

We are looking all around and waiting for signs for what our future holds.  I prefer to follow the light.  I'm waiting for the light to show up.  I am open to just about any direction.  Wherever the wind blows us will be fine.  As long as I get to keep my journal and journal companions I will be fine.

calling...

my brother

what is he to me
my reflection..
heh
looks like it.. but no

i suppose in some ways he is
i need to find a connection
why
i havent figured that out yet..

i called him on fathers day
and again yesterday
still no answer

i will keep calling
when and if he answers..
i know what i will say

but what i wont say is that im disappointed
..because i understand
..because strangely, im not

i wont say im angry or bitter or sad
..because im no longer burdened by.. his burden
'he aint heavy..'

i no longer pity him
he doesnt need pity
i have no idea what he needs
that isnt my concern
i know what i need
thats all that matters

can i forgive?
i think..
i already have
for once, im strong enough.

i may not like him
but i love him

'..hes my brother'.