Doom is stalking me.

That's what I feel like today. That creepy uneasy feeling that doom is stalking me.   I feel like I've made mistakes that will permanently changes things, and not for the good.   I let my son go out to walk and be with his friends.  He can get access to weed on the outside.  On the inside where I can try to keep him safe, he pushes me to the breaking point, and that is not a safe thing either.  I want him out of our house and in a facility where they can make structure and consequences and he has no one to manipulate and play his little mind games with.

But most importantly I want this feeling of doom hanging over me to lighten up and shift or melt away.

I feel trapped.  I don't see a way out. 


Note to self: don't read Stephen King books when you feel this way.

I Have Seen The Light!

I Have Seen The Light!

August/September 2005

There I lay in ICU, possibly dying.

Dr’s do not know what they are dealing with.

Is it bacterial or viral???

I cannot breathe…

I cannot move, not even a toe or my readings went haywire.

I am so pumped full of antibiotics and because of this, any test they did would not show a true reading.

Double the oxygen!

So short of breath.

Two days later:

My brothers wedding…missed because there would not be enough oxygen for me.

Oh how I longed for fresh air…not the air being forced into my nostrils. Finally one day I was wheeled outdoors for a short time…me and my bed. Oh that was great! Fresh air, the warmth of the sun, birds chirpin…

My mind is foggy! Memory faded! I ask the same questions…over and over and over. They repeat same answers.

Days passed. Days mean nothing. I cannot be released yet. I want to be able to talk a full sentence again without gasping for air after only 2 words. I want to be able to get out of bed on my own and hop back in and not have to wait 20 minutes before my breathing settled down. I want to go home.

I see light! Is this the light people talk about? Can I follow it? Can someone help guide me closer?

Oh that light was so inviting. I wanted more…more light. Brightest light I had ever seen. I want to follow it. The more I moved, the brighter it got. It was bright, so bright it was hurting my eyes.  I was being wheeled out of my room. The lights were so bright!

share...

Share…

Tonight I shared my tears with my journalists.

Usually my tears are hurting tears. Tonight it was no different.

I was hurting.

I was hurting so much inside and out.

Did they care?

No…they kept me in tears.

It started in the morning

And it was still going late at night.

You ask, why are they your journal friends?

They make you hurt inside and out.

They make you cry when you don’t want to.

You try fighting it back but they bring it on even more.

They are the best journalists. They have me in tears.

Tears of joy.

Tears of laughter.

I hurt from the laughter.

I shared a box of tissues!

The box of boogy tissues took it over the top.

Laughter

Tears

Hurt

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We are also sharing Forever Young with a new journalist!
Welcome Amy!

JC my friend...

JC my friend…

I’ve been wondering if his students of vocals call him Mr. McLovin! Hmmmm…does have a ring to it!

I’ve only known JC for a couple of months but it sure seems longer. Just last night we were chatting and trying to figure out how long we’ve been together. No one really knows for sure. It just happened.

One day JC said “Reese, you have a voice” use it. I thought he meant my singing voice and thought…how does he know what my vocals sound like? No one ever asks me to sing.

Back in my high school years, I took choir and I did get an A. Not that I deserved it, but the teacher knew I couldn’t carry a tune for the life of me. The harder I tried, the worse I sounded.

JC is an art of music.

JC is a listener.

JC is a comforter.

JC has a huge heart and spreads it throughout.

JC is a friend.

A friend that will listen. No matter what time of day. No matter what the subject.

JC a voice…my journalist friend.

birdie...the ghost

When I was younger…much younger, one of my friends had an Ouiji Board. I used to go by her house and watch them play around with it. Back then I thought it was a put on and it never scared me. They used to talk to it, ask it questions and their hands would move around the table for the answers. Weird!

Then they asked a question: Is there a ghost in this house?
The power took their hands to “yes”.
Does the ghost have a name?
Their hands were directed to b i r d i e. Hmmm birdie. That’s a silly name for a ghost.
They swore that birdie lived upstairs in this 100+ year old house. They would hear strange noises throughout the day and night.
Lights would flicker.
Footsteps walking on the wood floor creaking through the boards.

I was reluctant to stay overnight. Even though I don’t believe in ghosts, I don’t want to take the chance. The chance that perhaps if I did stay and I did hear noises, I would be frozen in time. At the age of 14, you did the “in” thing… You smoked and drank to fit in. You wanted to be cool…not called a scardy cat…or chicken or big baby…Not good for the reputation!

Well, I ended up marrying into this family. Strange but true! I would never make my presence known when no one else was there… just in case.

Don’t call me scared, don’t call me chicken and don’t call me a baby…I was just being cautious.

Of all the times I was there, I never heard or seen anything unnatural. So, to me, I was thinking that they all just played the game and let there imaginations get trapped in their minds. They still talked of “birdie” but that’s all it was is talk. Until…..
When my in-laws passed, the kids had to get the house ready for selling. One thing that needed to be done was in one of the upstairs bedrooms, there was wallpaper that definitely needed to be removed. I along with hubby, and a couple of hubbys siblings were upstairs wettening the wallpaper and scraping it off the walls. Hubby went downstairs. I turned around and I am the only one left in that room. I just keep on scraping.
I do hear a voice, I do have a feeling of something strange going on and I do get goose bumps. I flew down the stairs and never took that walk up those steps again. Even though I never had an encounter with “birdie”, I do believe that there actually was someone not visible to the human eye in that house. A ghost, maybe not but a spirit, yes. Besides, Sylvia Brown says it happens all the time. I went to 2 of her sessions. I am a believer!

_______________________

My neighbor lady’s husband passed away in the house they had lived in for many years. Lights would turn on, lights would turn off and the same with the t.v. His hands rubbing against the wall as he would make his way to their bedroom. She was never alone.

Can you hear me

The day is Thursday…can’t wait to get on lc (live chat)…saves on the finger tips.

Ah, finally, there’s Rosie, JC and Amy. Now all four of us are on live chat chanting our usual. Morning…morning…morning…!

How’s your day…

Do you have to work…

What’s up for the day?...

Wanna play?...

Playing games is so much fun now that we can talk and listen and play all at the same time. Games were fun before but I would miss out on so much cause they all know Reese is not a multi-tasker!

We decide after a few games of pool that we should go and draw. Hey, lets draw with other random players and we can tell each other what we are drawing before it is even drawn and the other players won’t know what’s going on. We can really rack up the points. Winners every time! Hmmm…sounds like fun! So, this is what we did. JC spoke and we raced to see who could type the fastest. Sometimes the word was typed before the drawer drew. Ha ha…funny! Someone typed “hax”….. so the other players caught on. 

Ok….now what should we do…hmmm

Oh well, I guess we just went back to our chat room and talked.

Amy says “brb” Reese says, “poof she’s gone already…she is faster than a speeding bullet”.  All of a sudden in the low pitched southern, Amy says “AH CAN STILL HEAR YOU”!

Oh that was a moment!!!

Then there was Rosie with her mixed signals. JC did <.< which means to look to the left or >.> look to the right. Well, our little miss Rosie said she thought those were ti.ts. (turned sideways)

“ Hi, how are you today”   >.>    <.<   “I’m fine today, thanks”.

She thought they were ti.ts that were talking to each other.

Oh what a good day!