I think I know these DMT peeps

embarrassed..

ah embarrassment..  i should be used to it.  we all should.  we all do embarrassing things.. say embarrassing things..  yet we still manage to feel the sting.

earlier i felt shame.  worked thru it a bit and now im just embarrassed.  i think i can live with it.

i have caused myself a lot of embarrassment.  and i could share a story about me..  but i want to share a story of embarrassment that taught me about the cruelty and injustice of others, about humility and compassion.

there was a girl in my gym class, my freshman year in high school.  she struggled to do all that was asked of her.  she was fairly athletic and strong for a big girl.  she struggled through volleyball, softball, running the monster, and basketball.. but then she hit an obstacle she just couldnt seem to overcome.  gymnastics.  our gym teacher was our school football coach.  a real hardass.  Jenny tried her hardest.  she tumbled clumsily, tried cartwheels, walked the balance beam with trepidation.  no one ever made fun of her.  she was such a nice girl.  and we were good friends.. even though back in third grade i had snapped her bra, and told her i could see thru her shirt.  she forgave me.

Hardass told Jenny she would be given a failing grade if she didnt complete the parallel bar routine.
He told her this in front of the entire class.
She had tears in her eyes as she walked to the parallel bars.
She reached up.. and tried with all her might to pull herself up.
He could have just given her a chair to help.
He watched her struggle.  We all did.  The hush was deafening.
She must have tried five times.. before he stepped in and said it again.. 
'You will fail if you do not complete this.'

He called out to Bob and Chris.. and instructed them to help Jenny up onto the bar. 
They pushed her up from behind.
She started to cry.
No one was doing anything.. 
I looked around.
I walked calmly over to Mr. Hardass.. and asked him to please stop.
But the damage was already done.

She flipped once over that bar..  and fell to the floor.. in a heap. 
He failed her. 

I quit the class and took summer gym with her that year.  was the best time ever.
   

Embarassed

Embarrassment is a light temporary emotion that causes us to blush.  Here's a well written link on how to overcome it.  Shy people who empathize easily with others feel it more deeply.  

One day hubby and I were hiking, back to our campsite and he had to pull up his support hose.  That required dropping his pants and getting them pulled up from his thigh, and he didn't wear any underwear in those days.

"Don't do that here" I tell him,  "Go off to the side of the road behind a bush."

"No one will see," he says, "there hasn't been a car all morning." 

He drops his jeans, bends over in the road to get his stockings in hand.

and around the bend comes a loaded car of a family with kids,  they  had big O's with their mouths and big eyes and swiveled heads as they crawl slowly by. 

===============================

For a smart person I am a bit of a dope,   Years ago, I was talking to our priest and assistant priest at St. Mary's by the Sea Episcopal church.  I was introduced to Canon Peabody. 

"What an unusual first name I said. , Canon.  but I know one at St. Peters too."  They all break out in laughter.


Pretty funny.

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I walked my kid home from preschool when he was four.  I was having some pretty bad memories problems at that time.


"Hold on sweetie, we have to go back..."  I said at the door.

Why mommy?

Well mommy drove the car there. ...

....

The Body Remembers.

I used to puzzle myself.   I wanted to know why my neck stiffened,  why my hands go weak and wouldn't work.  This can't be normal.  This pain, these seemingly random failures on my body's part.

I went to a generalist.  He patiently explained to me about ligaments. and tendons stretching and pulling apart. He went over my list of places that were killing me and he told me.  When we have pain that is widespread, like yours is, we sometimes need to look at the effects of stress, of mind and body together.  Medicine doesn't explain everything, he said.

I have IBS, almost comically so.   Big grin of acceptance.  If you want me to make a decision about something,  make sure I am near a bathroom.   After many years of not knowing what in the world would trigger such dramatic reactions, we tracked it down to decision making and driving in a car.  Even tiny decisions, like what color ribbon should I put on a present, would set me off.   That is ridiculous.  What a way to live!

note to self.  talk about ben hur movie. re decision.

The car thing bugged me for ever.  I really wanted to be able to drive a car.  But many times I would have full blown panic attacks just riding in the car.   Often on two lane country roads and sometimes during thunderstorms.

What is that all about?   I would tackle the issue multiple times over the years.  I would force myself to drive.  I hired a driving instructor, she bullied me into it.  I passed the driving test, much to my husband's horror, and had a license.  Occasionally I would be able to drive.  Rehearsed routes and simple turns.   Every time it would take all my gut bravery to do it.  I had to bank the proceeds from our business, one year.   It was a one stoplight town.  I would go in.  Go through the drive-through, drop off the money, make it back home.     Whew!  It never got easy or routine. though I did this seemingly simple thing every dang day for months with terror in my heart.

When I had my foster children, I would drag them around town on buses.  It was a hard way to live.   When I got my last little guy. I said No more.  I told Dan;  we are going to conquer this driving thing once and for all. I had been to the psychiatrist getting therapy and I knew I had the support to delve down into the inexplicable why of it all.

He and I set out in a car.  Me driving.    The panic was so strong, I had to pull over in a parking lot near our house.  IBS was kicking in too,  Strong feelings of nausea.   What was that?  I was furious at myself.  I searched my memories and held my stomach while it panged and tore at me.

Suddenly this idea popped into my head.

I had been in a car with a drunk driver when I was little.   a lot.  My father was a drunk.  He had me in his car all the time when I was a preschooler.   I have no memory of these terrors. the swerving, the horns honking the fear and confusion.   It's a blank.  but now i know why I panicked.  and panicked and panicked.

the body remembers.

I will get to my hand in a minute. grins.

muscle memory

my neck is KILLING me.  who knows why.  ok ok.. i have an inkling as to why.  i had an extremely stressful week.  one which i would like to forget.. yet my body wont let me. 

the body has a physical memory.. the muscles.. beyond the mind. 
repetitive motion.. creates a groove.. creates a habit.. and we are all habit forming in nature. 
singing is all about muscle memory.  for so many of my students, singing is a release.  they feel better when they sing.  both mentally and physically. 
for me it is work.  i enjoy it.  but it is work.  and when tension creeps in, im incapacitated.

im trying to work out the kinks.  heating pad.. ibuprofen.. kneading fingers and thumbs.. ice.. repeat..
nothing is working.

my mind is trying to work out kinks.. internally.. circling round and round.  but this merry-go-round aint so fun.  i try to imagine why people do and say the cruel things they do.  why someone would want to take advantage of my good nature.  like i dont understand people, when i do.  i am deeply wounded by stupid bullshit words.  i tell myself they are bullshit.  and i know that they are bullshit.  i even deleted all the bullshit.  but still i feel the venom.  and i feel guilt.  intense searing guilt. 
shame, denial, guilt. 

i betrayed Self. 

swallow.

breathe.

try and turn your head.

this is emotional muscle memory.  i worked long and hard at defeating myself.
it's gonna be a while.