The Body Remembers.

I used to puzzle myself.   I wanted to know why my neck stiffened,  why my hands go weak and wouldn't work.  This can't be normal.  This pain, these seemingly random failures on my body's part.

I went to a generalist.  He patiently explained to me about ligaments. and tendons stretching and pulling apart. He went over my list of places that were killing me and he told me.  When we have pain that is widespread, like yours is, we sometimes need to look at the effects of stress, of mind and body together.  Medicine doesn't explain everything, he said.

I have IBS, almost comically so.   Big grin of acceptance.  If you want me to make a decision about something,  make sure I am near a bathroom.   After many years of not knowing what in the world would trigger such dramatic reactions, we tracked it down to decision making and driving in a car.  Even tiny decisions, like what color ribbon should I put on a present, would set me off.   That is ridiculous.  What a way to live!

note to self.  talk about ben hur movie. re decision.

The car thing bugged me for ever.  I really wanted to be able to drive a car.  But many times I would have full blown panic attacks just riding in the car.   Often on two lane country roads and sometimes during thunderstorms.

What is that all about?   I would tackle the issue multiple times over the years.  I would force myself to drive.  I hired a driving instructor, she bullied me into it.  I passed the driving test, much to my husband's horror, and had a license.  Occasionally I would be able to drive.  Rehearsed routes and simple turns.   Every time it would take all my gut bravery to do it.  I had to bank the proceeds from our business, one year.   It was a one stoplight town.  I would go in.  Go through the drive-through, drop off the money, make it back home.     Whew!  It never got easy or routine. though I did this seemingly simple thing every dang day for months with terror in my heart.

When I had my foster children, I would drag them around town on buses.  It was a hard way to live.   When I got my last little guy. I said No more.  I told Dan;  we are going to conquer this driving thing once and for all. I had been to the psychiatrist getting therapy and I knew I had the support to delve down into the inexplicable why of it all.

He and I set out in a car.  Me driving.    The panic was so strong, I had to pull over in a parking lot near our house.  IBS was kicking in too,  Strong feelings of nausea.   What was that?  I was furious at myself.  I searched my memories and held my stomach while it panged and tore at me.

Suddenly this idea popped into my head.

I had been in a car with a drunk driver when I was little.   a lot.  My father was a drunk.  He had me in his car all the time when I was a preschooler.   I have no memory of these terrors. the swerving, the horns honking the fear and confusion.   It's a blank.  but now i know why I panicked.  and panicked and panicked.

the body remembers.

I will get to my hand in a minute. grins.