curious

well i was gonna leave this as a comment on rosie's forgiveness post.. 
but then, i wanted to write about it a little.  and then, i got side-tracked reading rosie's roadtrip.. so now, i forget what the hell i was going to write.  i realize this sounds like i cant keep my thoughts straight.. and you may be right.. and now i see that what im about to write may be contradictory.. but who cares?  i am letting go today.. and hopefully, in letting go.. i will find some connection.  some inner strength.  some truth.  some.. clarity.  but my ultimate hope is that i finally find my footing. 

forgiveness is rough.  faith, rougher.
i have had glimpses of clarity.. the universe.. what have you.. but the door slams shut and i am left scratching my head.  wtf just happened?
the cobwebs in my mind are clearing..  writing is a great broom..
so now, i await the next glimpse.  this time im ready.. with a pen in hand.

*****
im driving through the pennsylvania countryside today when something dawns on me.

my mind is altered.
i am thinking differently.
the thoughts that are occuring.. questions.

what is happening to me?
there is a shift.. i am awake.  not that i sleep when i drive.. 
but i realize i have been sleeping through my life.  dormant.
and i want to write about it.
but i have nothing significant to write.
and i dont care because i feel good.

the questions.. shooting at me..
I'M THINKING.. LIKE A.......... WRITER!

it started in the shower.  i am lathering up and thinking.. wth is in the cargo hold of the bus? haha 
and then, in the car, i realize my thinking is different..
an hour later, i'm at the concert.. and i am making up stories in my head!

i see the old dude with the last vestige of hair trailing down his back in a ponytail.. holding desperately to his youth?  did he come on his harley?  or does he drive a prius?

and there's a well-dressed youngish couple, hand-in-hand.. what's their story?  are they here because they love classical music?  or are they here because it's the cultured thing to do? or maybe that's grandma sitting beside them.. and it's her birthday, and..

so i sat through this concert today.  i pulled out my notepad and i wrote.  i wrote and i wrote.  i think i wrote about five pages.  just all these thoughts.  i kept writing through the entire concert.. here and there, as an idea popped up.

i hated this concert.  not that i didnt walk away with something.  i did.  i learned a few things.  heard some nice music.  heard some impressive musicianship.  but i wasnt moved.  my teacher's singing was great.  always is.  but the music didnt speak to me at all.  im disappointed. 

i re-read what i wrote in that notepad.  i had hyped myself up for this concert.. i thought i would like it.  i was so open to being exalted.. as i often am by music.  could it be that i.. i am becoming more critical.  more questioning.   less likely to accept things as they are presented on the surface.  i want to know more.  i want to dig deeper.

i get home.  i look in the mirror. 
am i altered?
can i change?
what is that look in my eye?
why am i not really phased by any of this?
curious.