Forgiveness is a Gift you give Yourself.

I told this story to JC in chat. and I could have sworn I wrote it down for the blog, but I cannot find it! And I looked twice.


This is one of those sucky stories where someone older and wiser is talking to and trying to comfort someone younger who is facing a test of her courage against life's hard lessons.  One of those character building stories.  The preachy kind that I hate.

For Jini.  Faith is a gift out of your hands.  All you need to do is open up.


See I hate that.   It's half bullshit and such a snotty thing to say.   Faith and  the comfort it brings is messy and precarious and it slides away in the light of day and it is precious and foolish at the same time.   Some people live their whole lives and never get touched by the Other. the universe Winds that blow across our minds.  They live in the 3 cold hard dimensions that you can manipulate with your hands.  Right, up, down, cold wet, hard. Faith is slippery!

So I have to slide in sideways.  slip it under your defenses and tiptoe away.  Better if I don't tell you my motive is to share my faith.  Just lend you a bit of what my eyes saw.  What my cells know when they sprang to attention on an unexpected day.

I was walking, on my way to the beach on another glorious perfect San Diego day.  I was about a block away, and the sea breezes were picking up and refreshing my face.

I had been having a spirited internal dialogue with myself, trying to forgive my mother.  Trying to free myself from resentments and anger and dark thoughts of her.  I wanted them all out of my mind and away from me.  You've met my mother, It's a big task!   I'd managed it a few times, but I wanted to really drop the negative feelings and allow my soul to soak up nothing but light.  I wanted a touch of the hand of God, something I despaired of reaching and something I had glimpsed a few days earlier.  I wanted absolution and cleansing.

So there I was, more arguing than praying part of the time.  Firmly wrapping myself in logic and accounts of misdeeds and wrongdoings against me.  Stumbling off the curb a few times, not watching where I was going, and walking into a street side tree.   Ow!  Enough!  I forgive you. Mother I forgive you. I forgive you, I forgive you,  Forgive me. please.  oh please.    and I let it go.

I just gave up and let it go. All the negative feelings lifted away from my mind.  I felt at such peace.

And there in the ocean ahead of me.  As clear and shiny as that perfect day, out of the water jumped a beautiful dolphin, leaping high in the air and glistening in the sunlight, reflecting glorious rays back into my eyes.  My heart lept for joy!

I was humbled, healed and exalted all at the same time.