compassion..

n. Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.

dad had his stroke july of '99.  he was 54.
dad calls me, two years later.. my ma fighting him for the phone..

'son, your ma needs to talk to you.  she didnt want to tell you..'
'bay..'
what is it ma?
'they found cancer.'

silence.

more silence.

'it's fourth stage.'

gulp.

chokes.

she doesnt want me to come home.  she gets through a round of chemo.  it's rough as hell on her.  she is tough.  i come home to go to her first radiation meeting with the docs.  she thinks she is going for her first session.  we ask questions.  i hold her hand tight.  this is the first time i have ever seen my ma.. frightened.  she looks so small and fragile.  i just want to carry her home.  i want to make it all go away.  im angry.  im sad.  im scared to death.  but i dont show any emotion.  im numb.  the doctor leaves us with paperwork and a grim handshake.

i look down at her.
we are gonna beat it, mom.

she sits in shock.
and relief floods over her lovely face.
'i don't have treatment today?... i don't have radiation therapy today!!'
no.  not today.

the relief is.. palpable.  i hold her hand as we walk out of the building.

'i need to shop.'
ok.  where to?

$600.00 later, she is worn out.  and we are headed home. 
******

i came home again.  after she tried chemo again.. and it made her sick..  and after hospice was called.  my sister and i sat with dad at the kitchen table and tried to explain as gently as possible to him that talking aloud about her, when she is in the next room.. as if she were already gone.. needed to stop.  we went through paperwork.  my brother showed up once and came at my sister for touching stuff.  if ma weren't right there, things would have gotten a lot uglier between he and i.  we were all under a lot of pressure. 

dad constantly crying.
ma trying to seem lucid, though she was under heavy doses of medication.
my sister, quiet.
my brother, absent.
me in denial.. we are still gonna beat this ma...

and i only had two weeks to spend with her.. before we had to head back. 

i cant finish this.