Compassion

Compassion.  Going beyond yourself. Connecting with another. Hard enough...but, the other struggle is how to let those for whom you have compassion reciprocate.  Somehow that seems nearly impossible in my experience. It's almost as if the act of compassion voids the relationship somehow.

I have a friend for whom I feel a lot.  Because I sense her struggle I try to mediate it with little gifts or a dinner out, or a treat for her cats. She will never be able to return in kind.  And, I wouldn't want her to. However, even within this dynamic I feel an unspoken resentment?  Not resentment....something. So, we spend time with her telling me how she used to be able to help people too! And that highlights the fact that I am in a position to help and she is not.  

Lately, I find myself trying to think of ways she might help me out.  She's good on Ebay...she knows Photoshop, she's a writer.  So, I spend time trying to come up with scenarios where I'm needy and she can help me.  Sadly, these are not real scenarios and they're taking my time.  I'm feeling like a parent trying to keep my child busy in a waiting room. I wish this relationship were more honest! 

I really don't like her cats!  I wish she would eat more balanced food! Her alcoholic brother should leave her house. But, I'm not going there! So, I help her out and feel like a social worker bringing a client home to live.  It's not an even exchange of friendship. Somehow my compassion is twisted into something else.