Pillow Wars

I've shared a bed for 40 years now with a sly sneaky rascal. He's a pillow stealer and sheet grabber.

 Hubby and I have vastly different body shapes that tangle in the night for space and resources.  One of us is very tall and angular 3 inches short of  7 feet and boasting a 9 foot arm reach from tip to tip.  That one has knees that are razor sharp when drawn up to gouge the thighs and elbows equally sharp that jab the ribs.  The other of us is round and bottom heavy with jiggly mounds and a resource grabbing middle that is soft wherever one might rub against her.  Covers are divided and stretched out opposing directions a little more earnestly that average size couples do. 

I have prized pillows that I hoard and don't share. They are not interchangable with his motly collection.  For some reason none of our pillows are identical.   He has a molded medium pillow that is his favorite for his head.  I have a soft queen size one for my head topped off with a small support pillow for my neck.  My molded pillow is twice as long as his and serves as mediator between my legs.  He puts a orphan pillow that needs sewing between his knees and a average unremarkable pillow next to him to cushion his arms.

Before Son stole it. we had a body pillow to support our back.   Now that job is vacant with the wind whistling down between us and not enough covers to stop the gap.

Hubby steals my biggest pillow to bolster himself for reading in bed and watching TV.  I don't mind if he gets them if he gives them back at lights out.   It's the vicious stealing and swapping of the prized neck pillow and head pillow that makes me sore.

Literally. Because if I don't have my right pillows to cradle my head and shoulders I toss and turn and wake up cranky and stiff. 

 I put my pillows in one set of pillowcases and his in another.  They are color coded.  I remind him when he has one of mine on his side and he plays innocent.  Oh? Is that your pillow?   I gave him the benefit of the doubt in our early years, when I had my favorite feather pillow and he has the annoying new fangled foam pillow.  We only had two pillows back then.  One each and they were matching in size but not in shape and smell.

He hated my feather pillow.  I had had it through my wild years and it was a bit old and yellowed from age, and he asserted that it smelled like the inside of a hippies bus.   I dunno.  I loved it.

One day it disappeared.  He looked guilty, but I didn't really suspect him of foul play.   Till I checked the trash by the curb and there was a tell tale corner sticking out.

After I calmed down and dried my tears, we went pillow shopping.   Not to Good will to get a nice used pillow but to a department store to buy a new one.    I strode up and down the aisles looking for a replacement.  He helped with suggestions.  I put pillow after clean neutral smelling pillow to my face, bothering the watchful sales clerk.   I settled on one. A premium goose filled feather pillow, not on sale.

Hubby payed the full price.  I decided to stay married to him.   When we got home, a few nights went smoothly.

Then he took my feather pillow one night and it started.    The Pillow Wars.

We should have bought two identical pillows in the store.  We didn't.  We have always had the new pillow and the older ones.

He steals the new ones and discards the used up sneaking them over to my side when he makes the bed.

I remake the bed and sort them out.  They find their way back to his side in the middle of the night.

The most recent offense was when he swapped out his smallest most pitiful pillow that needed mending with the innards falling out for my head pillow.  I slept that way for three nights now, but it ends today.  He's pulled off the cases and sheets to wash them and they are lying around unattended.

Today we go pillow shopping.    Mhm.  It's on!