Blog Manifesto

Blog Manifesto


This blog is dedicated, as the title would suggest, to the qualities of being young. We are young writers. We are playful and sensitive, fluid and changing. We are unashamed with our art. We wonder at the world, puzzle over the meanings of things and twirl in delight at images and ideas that float by, grabbing at them as they pass. We are curious and constantly inquiring and prying concepts open and taking assumptions apart. We are on the ground, close to the earth. We have bare feet and wiggle our toes into nature. We carry our blankies still and wrap up cozy and comfy with each other and tell ghost stories and shiver at creepy things. We laugh and we cry and we take a lot of naps, drained from our outings and exertions.

We write as gifts to each other, tying them up in ribbon and leaving them around for each other to find, hiding and waiting for the person to wake up and read. Surprise! We weave our stories together to create a bond. One writes, then the other. then another again. We have a shared reality that we have crafted, bit by piece by patch, by string. We write simple, honest authentic things, with our unique voices. You can tell each one of us from the other, without knowing who wrote what. Our voices are clear and gentle and original. We whisper and our personalities roar! Like children, our feelings are strong, our passion for what we write shakes us. We are moved and sometimes left breathless, by our own words or the words of each other. We cannonball into each others spaces. We fall backward into each others writing, like into a pile of leaves or a soft bed. We gobble and grin and ask for more. (footnote kudos to JC)

Then we go to bed, wake up to a new day and do it all over again!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

hurt



i am feeling loss really heavily today.  i am puzzling it out.  i am morose and moody and feeling mean.  i want to be around people.  and i want to be alone. 

i just left someone hanging.  trying to make me feel better she made a joke at an inappropriate time.  she realized it was inappropriate and apologized and tried to make it right and just sadly stepped all over herself.  and while the compassionate, nice guy JC would have normally put her at ease and just took it all in stride.. this new JC.. the one who is looking more intensely at himself than ever before.. who is beginning to see who he really is.. with more clarity.. just logged out.  left her mid-apology.. mid-stumble.  normally, i would feel guilt.  and although i felt no guilt for just leaving, i cant say i didnt feel sympathy.  she is a nice girl. 

im tired of the facade.  normally i would just pretend to be happy..  to be the me that so many people think they know.  i just want to be.  and being me doesnt mean i want or need to be helped.  the moment i drop the facade, most people assume i need help.  im a grown man.  i dont need help.  i just need to be.  damn assumptions.  only a few people really know me well.  i like to think they know who they are.  :)

so i am feeling loss.  and i am hurting.

im feeling alone.  and trying to make peace with it.
   
living lonely is alright. accepting it.. is another story..
its a lump that is so hard to swallow..
the enormous jagged lump of reality.

it would surprise most people to find out that i dont like humans in general.
on the one hand, i find them fascinating.. otherwise, i find them to be disgusting and insufferable.. tiring.. boring.. predictable.. disappointing.

every once in a while though.... im surprised and delighted.
doesnt happen often.
happens less and less the older i get. 
maybe because im just not as willing to let people in. 
im just not as curious or interested in people as i used to be. 
maybe because im just so damn tired of hurting.

its easier to push people away.  than to let them in just so they can hurt me someday. 
*****
why do we bother to connect
why do we bother to put energy into deep meaningful relationships
why do we need to feel understood
why do we need to feel at all

it only leads to pain
excruciating inner pain

i formed a bond with her.. one that was like no other. surreal

i let her in!  and it was amazing and beautiful.. and we had something really special.  but she left. and it cut me to the quick.  she came back to pull out her roots. and i felt the empty.. again. and i replaced the empty with bitterness.  with anger.  with sorrow. and yet again, she came back because the roots.. they were so deep they snapped off.. and she dug and dug and pulled and pulled.. while i stood by. but she couldnt remove them,  and found my roots as deep as hers. so she left them there, maybe hoping they would wither, then smiled, and said 'i love you', 'you shouldnt ever doubt my love'..

but i do

'til death'...

i lost my mom
i lost my lydia
i lost my son
i lost my brother
i lost my tina.. MY TINA..
i will soon lose my dad
i will lose close friends
and bax

with every loss i lose a little bit of me. and i reach out only to be snapped back into reality.

now. i. retreat.
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