Pallets in the Road: Beyond the Rational

The drive from Gilroy east on 152 to Highway 5 (the main North-South corridor in California) is a treacherous mountain pass Jon and I drove often through the years.  We kept horses in Patterson, Jon lived in Hanford while in the service, and we went to LA many times.  These activities all required getting on one of the reputed bloodiest roads in California. It was populated with slow and old local trucks full of produce, streamlined eighteen wheelers speeding to their population centers in the Valley, tourists going to Yosemite, animal haulers with chickens, beef, or pigs jammed together for their last rides.  And, people like us just trying to get to the fastest route North or South.

At certain times during the day the trip across the mountain was slow, bumper to bumper, a snaking train of cars and trucks in a line moving or stopped dead by one of many accidents the notorious road was known for. But, early in the morning, before sunrise, only the trucks and locals would brave the dark before dawn to take on the road at speed limit, or faster.  Time could be made on 152 if it were empty! That’s when the pros and the smart drivers were out there. 

Jon and I planned our trips to encounter as few delays as possible and starting early was a good way to shorten travel time. It was good for the horses too. And that’s why we were on the road, in the horse truck, in the dark, on a chilling and slightly foggy morning.  As usual, we were driving in the slow lane to the right where the trip was calmer. We knew from experience those who pushed the 65 mph speed limit were in the middle lanes so we stuck to the outside. We always drove to the outside, the safe side.

On this particular morning something different happened. It happened only this one time and it had a profound effect on how I viewed my world. For no reason that I know, I told Jon to switch lanes, move to the left.  We were at the top of the hill by the dam and would soon make the descending and sweeping right turn parallel to the dam face.  This was where most vehicles hit their top speeds as the descent increased velocity. We were doing around seventy on the empty road. It was the only time I had ever suggested a lane change and Jon executed it smoothly.  Within seconds, as we rounded the curve, a stack of wooden pallets easily ten high came looming out of the mist. It was in the very center of the lane we had just been in! The consequences of hitting them at that speed under those conditions were the topic of conversation for us for the next five minutes as we continued down the mountain.

Yes, we reported the incident at the base of the dam. There were many questions about it.  How had the pallets come off a carrier in a stack?  Why weren’t they broken up in the fall? But, most important, why had we changed lanes? I had never asked Jon to change lanes before.  What was that feeling I had had right before doing so?  Fear?  Anxiety? Something.  Some intuition of danger. I was profoundly affected by this incident and vowed to stay alert to those inner feelings in the future. And, I did.  I remained alert to those times when something other than my rational mind gave me guidance or insight into my reality. I called it intuition and it happened a few more times...

Another experience with something intuitive or beyond the rational came to me after I had begun communicating with God (or a Power larger than myself). Yes, I was spiritual in the modern sense as I had learned to let go and let God. Thank you Al-anon. By that time my husband had left us and I was learning to live for myself and my kids. But, I wasn’t fulfilled in some other important ways.  I wasn’t looking for love.  It was certainly an option, although not an option I was pursuing. In my chats with God I asked if I could be given a chance to experience that feeling again.

Within days of that succinct request a new man arrived in my life.  The attraction was mutual and the courtship fairly short. We were both adults.  We knew where this was headed.  But, I was doubtful.  The sting of being left by a partner of twenty years was still fresh. This new relationship seemed too soon.  I was not the pretty package I had been when younger.  My insecurities set in.  On our first opportunity to be together, alone, after weeks of flirting and wondering, I begged God to give me a sign that I could take part in this proffered involvement.

It was a sunny day and I was giving him a lift to his old residence where he was to pick up some things to take to his new place. It was a fun trip, full of normalcy. Touches were exchanged, eyes connected meaningfully, and my breath was coming in dizzying shortness. Was this real? Or, was I kidding myself? Please God give me a sign.  Show me something to assure me of this path. And, at that moment, out of the blue, a rainbow arched across the sky completely out of sync with nature! A rainbow where there was no rain, and no expectation of it. And so, a sign! I took it to be a ‘Go’ Sign!...

And then there was the time I envied the nuns who give themselves to the Lord. It was such a moving experience beyond the reality of my life that I not only envied them, I wanted to become one! Considering I’m not a Catholic, and not even particularly religious, this was a very profound happening.

The event took place at night while I was sleeping, or close to it.  Perhaps it was a dream. No, the intensity was certainly part of a wakeful state.  The thorough orgasmic condition in which I awoke completely was no dream.  My emotional response to the Presence I felt was real. And the intense longing I had to repeat the experience remained for days.

I can still remember the blackness I usually see in my mind at night, the black nothingness that allows the brain functions to turn off and rest. Into that blackness, in the lower right quadrant came a light which burned brightly and surprisingly.  It grew bigger until it came to fill all the void. It shimmered and had a palpable heat which seemed to enter me and fill every part of me.  The sensation of the light and its warmth gave me an intense pulsation of orgasm which was more satisfying and complete than any I had experienced before (or since).  It was otherworldly.  It was a gift from the heavens.  It was from God!  Or, so it seemed as I lay in the afterglow and the light left me to recede in my mind’s eye to a tiny speck which disappeared.

My brain scrambled to make sense of this.  But the most complete idea I was left with was that this sensation explained the nuns.  No wonder they married God if that were the sort of bliss they could get from Him. Now it made sense! Yes! I could devote my life to Jesus, God, or a Ghost who would do that on a regular basis!

But, for me it happened only once more.  Two nights later the Light came and did an inventory. But it was a lesser coming and I felt inadequate and sad when it left quickly and with no afterglow. Somehow, I was not worthy.  I had been tested and found lacking.  I would not be joining a Holy Order. But I had been touched. And it was not by anything in this world. Perhaps in the next, I will be visited again. I can’t wait!...

For now, my journey continues as I experience many different pallets in the road.