safety. For me happiness comes from feeling and being safe. I crave security and warm safe places. I want to be where no one makes fun of me, makes me feel stupid or small or unimportant. I love my journal companions because they build me up and hold my hand in the dark. I can fall backwards and they will catch me.
My husband is my hero. He's starting to fade away and thin out, but I hope to have him home full time with me and we can glean out bits and pieces of happiness from the tired flesh we are left with. I adore him. I want lots of time left with him.
Happiness is the calm times when my son is healthy and doing well. He's all over the place, but he still comes to me and hugs and welcomes me up from sleeping and fusses over me if I am sneezing or coughing. "Are you okay MOM? Do you need water?" I pull threads of happiness from the difficult days and weave them together to keep our relationship strong.
Happiness is a choice. I remember realizing when I was ten, that I didn't have a smile. I noticed other children smiled readily and pretty women did in the magazine ads. It was about the time I considered makeup and lipstick and put some of my grandma's on. I knew I was supposed to smile in the mirror, so I tried it out.
It felt awkward and foreign to me. Distant and unknown. but I was going to smile at boys, so I had to practice. The muscles hurt. they wouldn't stay. I had to stop and rest them. I remember it so clearly. I remember the muscles on my face turning up and stretching to make a happy face. Then I tried to work on my eyes. They needed to learn how to sparkle and not dart off to the side. I worked on holding eye contact in the mirror.
I chose to be happy. I smiled. and it worked. Happiness popped into my life where it had not been before.
So, you have the darting eye syndrome too? Me, too. I don't consciously do it but people turn away to spot what I'm looking at and I haven't changed my focus. But, they think I have...mayba my eye slides to the side. Could be. I have to force myself to stay connected to the person I'm in conversation with.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you worked on it and felt it pop into place! A nice thought.
Hey i am so sorry i couldnt join you gauys today. My mother stayed back home today and things kinda became tough. And now there is a poweecut. I am on my mobile. Yoi guys probly womt be awakeby the time the light comes back on. I thought il let you know what hqppened. Wish i could do todsys exercise :\
ReplyDeleteyou are so right. happiness is a choice.
ReplyDeletety for this
No, it's a blessing and a miracle. I can walk the walk until it comes, but I have no control over it. I can pray for it...frame the request in my mind. I can recognize the absence of it. That will all help. But if I could choose to be happy , right now, this minute, I would...but it doesn't come. Don't tell me it's a choice. Don't tell me I could be happy if I wanted to be? Don't think so...
ReplyDeletei agree, it is a blessing and a miracle.. i may not know the depth of happiness i once had.. but i feel like if i put a smile on my face, and do the very best i can every day, i can survive.. function.. cope
ReplyDeletehaving but an ounce of what i once had may be bittersweet.. but it's something. i used to be all or nothing.. now, i take what i can get.
Today I am miserable as fuck. My muscles are knotted, my head is spinning, My son is refusing to go to school and the van is inexplicably late.
DeleteUGH. I choose to be light and go on. I choose to climb out and up.
At least I know which direction to face. :) This way, right?
Rosie...
ReplyDeleteVery nice variety of 'happiness".
I have to agree to disagree!
It can be our choice to be happy to an extent...there are things we have power over, but when it comes to pain, we have no control.
Sorry your body is out of control today and I hope as the day goes on, your power will overcome!!!