withdrawal...

If I can do it, you can do it too!

Oh man!

January 1993 our first g’baby was born. February 24th of 93, my ex sister-in-law Nancy invites me to go with her to a “Hypnotize…Stop Smoking...” session. Since my mother passed away at the age of 48 and did not get much time with her grandchildren, I did not want to follow in her footsteps. I wanted to be a young, energetic and living g’ma. Nancy picked me up and we were on our way to the Stop Smoking session. The drive was about 45 miles away and we both enjoyed our last nerve calming smoke as we neared that last 15 minutes. There was a fee of 30.00 and earlier I had asked my husband to flip the bill. He refused thinking it would be a waste of his money. No way was I going to quit smoking he thought. So, I used my own money. When we arrived, we paid our fees and were told not to sit with the person you came with. For total concentration with the group being hypnotized, you needed to be seated by strangers. Oh yeah…right…as if I am going to let myself go deep with a stranger on each side of me. The hypnotist could have me walking and talking like a chicken and I would not know it. The strangers next to me could pick my pockets. Uh...no! So, to me it was going to be a waste of my money and my time. I sat there, listening, eyes closed, to the hypnotist in his soft whispery voice. I am getting relaxed, but not so relaxed to where I don’t know who or where I am. Finally the session ends…open your eyes very slowly…it was dark in there so everyone is squinting as the lights went from dim to bright. I find Nancy on the other side of the aisle, she buys the cassettes they offered and we walk to the vehicle and head for home. A very long and silent ride home. Neither of us smoked. It was like we were in a trance.

Was this the start of our smoke free life? Yikes, it is scary since cigarettes have been a part of my life for over 25 years. I would get nervous…light up.

The phone would ring…light up. Hop in vehicle…light up. The last thing I did before I went to bed and the first thing I did in the morning was…light up! Lighting up was my life, my world…could I change it?

The first morning…ohhhh I wanted that cigarette. I walked around very nervously, sit, stand, what do I do with my hands. I wanted that first cigarette so bad. I can’t start my day without my habit. I took it second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, month by month… I would visualize a cigarette in my hand and I would tuck it in between my index and middle fingers and say to myself “I am this big and this stick is this small…I can crush it with my fingers”. I have power!!! I am strong!!! I can do it!!!

To try satisfying my addiction I chewed on licorice and pretzels. I guess I chose those two snacks because I could hold them like a cigarette. They were in stick form. Later I read that eating licorice and pretzels were the 2 worst snacks. Licorice does not dissolve and pretzels make your body bloat. I only had 2 days in and my cousin sent me flowers saying “we are very proud of you, take it day by day”. I saved the card but the flowers are long gone. So now I have people putting so much confidence in me. I have to do this, I can’t let them down. My friend told me if I quit for 3 months, she will take me out to eat…my choice and anything on the menu. Oh boy, this is making it harder. I would listen to the cassettes. They would make me relax but I still wanted that smoke. Day by day…I wanted just one more cigarette.

I took up walking. Walking 7 miles and then hop on my bike and ride for 15 miles. To keep my hands busy, I took up woodworking. I bought saws, sanders, routers, dremmels, so many power tools. For birthdays and Christmas I wouldn’t ask for clothes, knick-knacks…I would ask for wood and more tools. I loved going shopping at Menards, Ace & Farm & Fleet. I busied myself so I would not think of having that cigarette. I would shake…I had an addiction…nicotine addiction? They say not! If I would be having a nicotine addiction, I would be waking up about every hour. So, ok…then I should be able to break this habit. This nasty stinky expensive habit…but it’s not getting any easier.

In reality, the first 3 months were hard, but it got harder!!!

I was told that the average person may gain about 10 lbs when they quit smoking. This is one time I am waaay above average.

Nineteen years later, I still have that craving…I want to calm my nerves…I still want that cigarette but I fight it off. I know that if I would take that first puff, that would lead to a full cigarette and that would lead to a pack and I would never put myself through quitting again….it was hard…I would not have the will power a second time…I would be weak…so I am smart enough to not even take that one little puff.

I have my last boughten pack kept in a plastic bag and tucked away in my hope chest…in hopes that I would never open it and smoke again.

I now have 3 beautifully grown g’babies, I love every one of them and I am so glad I have been around to enjoy them. I am their nana/g’ma/grandma.

I have withdrawal when I don’t get to be on OMG with my friends. I figure there are times I am thinking they need their space from me but they tell me I am wrong. We are addicted to each other and when we are away, we have withdrawals!!!

End of story!