a cognitive dissonance

of late.. my mind has been wrapped around winning and losing..

i used to play games.. and get so angry if i lost.  even the simplest least competitive games.  i had to be the best.  very few people know this about me, partly because.. i won a lot.. mostly because i usually never let on.  i let them see my competitive nature.. but rarely the flash of anger.
well.. unless it was monopoly or.. checkers. 
i experienced the same feelings in playing omgpop games.  i had to be the best at whatever i played. 

it wasnt about winning.  it was about being the best. 
i wasnt happy.  and i didnt like this ugly side of myself.
but i think i have won this battle.

now.. i settle for just being good at stuff.
i am happy just playing and having a good conversation with a friend.
i am happy just horsing around and having fun.
im happy just walking into a game.. with friends shouting my name.
they seem happy to see me.  as happy as i am to see them.
that's so.. nice. 

************
life just seems like a series of victories and defeats
and there is yet another battle i would win.

no matter how large or small the victory in my life..
it's hollow

in this moment.. i feel sapped, drained, and raw again

i opened myself up today
i did things i find particularly difficult and distasteful
things i usually avoid

decisions
judgements
opinions
and a little deceit

i stepped so far out of my comfortable place i could barely stand it
and i felt physical pain

the pressure was.. intense, but i survived
and i did the job well.  this is a victory.. right?

then.. why do i feel empty and unhappy.. defeated
..like i am running in circles again
im running myself ragged.. knowing there is no winning this race.

i was asked to do this job today.. because someone believed in me.  and instead of feeling pride and confidence.. i just felt more pressure to perform.. to produce.  i realize this is partly why i never went any further in my career.  i buckled under the slightest hint of pressure.  i need to think about this more.  im not seeing the entire picture.  i just know i have impeded many of my own potential successes. 

is it ok to say that i know i am great?  that the talent i possess.. and have worked so hard all my adult life to hone and perfect and craft.. that i know it's special?  that i could be.. the best!  if i were a great pianist.. it would not be so hard to say it.  but because my instrument.. my art.. my talent is a physical part of me.. saying that is like saying i .. I am great.

as a singer, i have always found it amusing that we hear ourselves so differently than others hear us.  we perceive our voices..  in abstract.  it took me a long time to find my voice.. to love and appreciate it.. to even recognize it.

i am finding my voice all over again.  here.   a new voice.  this voice says im gonna be ok. heh.. will i ever believe that?  this voice says to let go of victory.. let go of defeat.. and just be.  heh.. will i ever listen?

will i ever trust my own voice?
could it be.. i have to 'win'  because those lesser victories somehow superficially make up for.. the victories i could have had in my life..
lydia.. i miss you