of expectations..

(original post Thu Jun 23, 2011, 5:43 AM)

i have none. or at least i try not to. expectations only lead to disappointment. it takes me a while to digest things. to think. to read what is really truly being said. i try not to ever just read on the surface. though, in retrospect, maybe i am too careful.. not raw enough. in my experience, my gut instinct is almost always right, but the rational irrational mind kicks in... and well.. i am left second-guessing myself. again, fear. riddled with it. not sure why. and yet, if i continue to ask these questions, i may well figure it all out one day. and then i will die and it wont have mattered.

i read and re-read (several times) what you said, and i wanted to look beyond and move beyond the feeling of having been deeply flattered. because i realize this was not your intent, that there is so much more to what you are saying. and for the record, i am still going back and reading... to find clarity in my own response. but there has been so much said i just dont even know where to begin!

i want to point something out that i find amusing on one hand, because it is so instinctual and familiar a feeling to me and saddens me deeply on the other hand, because of the same reason. you are an expert at taking back what you have said, when what you have said has relevance and meaning. at least in the moment you have said it. and really beyond.. because i cant stop re-reading.

in chat, we have a backspace, but for the most part, what you say is just out there and
you cant take it back.. much as you may want to. and yes.. the proverbial LOL thrown in here and there, of which i am a huge culprit... yet another device to negate significance. but here, you have time to think and re-think what to write... i dunno where im going with this (and yet i do).. cobwebs.. but im trying to write off the hip and not overthink.  maybe that is how i will write next time... just completely put myself out there and type. then, you may re-think, altogether, having this conversation with me. but i say, why second-guess? i say this, and yet, as i look back over my ramblings, i see myself doing the very same thing. taking back what i have said by negating my own relevance. i just happen to do it while im writing and you after having put it all out there. i guess what im trying to say here, is that you shouldn't second-guess yourself. your gut instinct is truth. and there is so much beauty in your truth. i guess i just wish that you wouldnt take back anything you have said or even re-think it. just be. if that makes any sense. and in many ways, i wish the same for myself. so, i ask... would this make us more or less authentic?

you said you hope that my grammar will never stop me from writing.. i write basically how i speak, informal yet formal... i could spend an hour going back over my grammar and correct it all, but i would much rather spend the hour going over the content of my blah blah blahging. you asked me if i want to get my ideas out before i forget them... yes! yes, yes, a thousand times yes.. and then i think, is it so important what i have to say? i cannot truly express myself in typewritten word,
because i cant possibly type as fast as i think and make clarity of it all. which makes me think about the many ways in which people express themselves. i express through music, therein lies my genius. we all have genius. some are lucky enough to find it, others, not so much. and here is where i would like to thank you. you make me think. in ways i dont usually. i dont know you, but i see genius. i see in you a person who makes a difference. makes an impact with words. and yes..
words i could read all day. you speak of sublime.. and well.. yeah, actually being given the opportunity to converse like this IS sublime. im glad you reposted... and im glad i didnt erase. not that anyone is reading this.
~ off to draw and this time i am keeping even the imperfections... maybe, juuuuuust maybe, i can eek out some genius.